Today is my sixth anniversary with my partner Chris, which frankly I feel is a major achievement to say the least. Given my heavily addictive past, I was never able to last beyond the honeymoon phase of any relationship before I was off and running into the arms of another potential suitor.
But thankfully, my 12 Step recovery work helped to change that and has led to me remaining 100% monogamous with my partner, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, throughout each one of the years I’ve been with him.
Regrettably, I can’t say that was true with any of my prior relationships though, because in each of them, once the newness wore off, I’d eventually fall prey at some point to things like pornography, phone sex, cybersex, and heavy flirtatious intrigue with someone else I was attracted to. And regularly engaging in any of them simply led to me leaving those relationships for another.
But beyond my addictive past, there’s another reason why I think it’s a major achievement that I’m celebrating six years with my partner. What that deals with is the reality that monogamy is rapidly becoming not the norm for far too many people in the world nowadays. Rather, there seems to be married men to women who are sleeping with men on the side, partners swinging with other partners, open relationships where both have abilities to occasionally have sex with others, and so on and so forth. Yet, there’s also another unfortunately reality in the culture I live in when it comes to monogamy, as I find that most gay men just don’t seem to know how to remain monogamous in the long term with each other.
While I do know of a few gay couples who have been monogamous for more than ten or even twenty years together, I find most others simply either don’t know how to or want to. In fact, there are many events these days that male gay couples go together to, where once there, they “play” with others who aren’t their partners. It’s simply considered to be acceptable “playtime”. Anytime I asked why they can’t remain monogamous with each other, the general consensus is that it’s just sex and not love, and that the sex grew old after time with their partner. Yet, somehow, playing with someone else kept things “fresh” between them. Unfortunately, I think this is one of the very reasons why so many in our world have developed prejudice towards the gay culture because it often looks to them like gays can’t keep “it in their pants”. Sadly, I was once one of those very people who lived like this and set a poor example.
I’m just glad I eventually realized I had an addiction in the sex and love department and sought recovery for it, because once I did, it not only helped me to stop all those toxic behaviors that always led me away from living monogamously, it also allowed God to bring Chris into my life.
I honestly do believe that relationships can grow closer over time, as the years progress, like I feel mine has with Chris, even in the intimate department. But I think that involves remaining faithful mind, body, and soul to each other, and also living by a Higher Guidance, instead of to one’s own self-will, ego, and lust-based desires, like I once did.
So, as Chris and I celebrate our sixth anniversary today and begin our seventh year together, I am truly blessed to see that 12 Step Recovery and a life of faith and devotion to God does work to keep two people together monogamously, even two gay men…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson