Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to Grateful Heart Monday, where each week begins with gratitude from my life, which for today is for my friend Debbie from Massachusetts, someone who’s remained an active part of my life for over two decades.

I think it’s important to say right off the bat, that there’s only a handful of people who have stuck around the life of Andrew Arthur Dawson for 20+ years and Debbie is one of them, something I’m extremely grateful for given how volatile my existence was over the years.

I first met Debbie in October of 1997 when I was hired into Arbella Mutual Insurance in Quincy, Massachusetts to do Y2K conversion programming on a COBOL mainframe system. At the time, I actually resided in Virginia, just outside Washington, DC, and was looking to do a geographical cure, as my life there was totally out of control. I honestly thought back then that moving to another state would solve all my problems. Spoiler Alert. It didn’t. But that’s a story for another time.

Nonetheless, the team I was hired into at Arbella was led by Debbie and she became my day to day supervisor. From the onset, I really connected with her and truly enjoyed working on her team. She always had a good sense of humor and regularly took the time to connect with me, especially whenever she noticed I was feeling down. How Debbie and I went from being co-workers to friends though is another big reason why I’m grateful for her, and it’s actually quite a comical story.

One day, I came to work after having a huge verbal fight with my then partner and was beginning to realize that relationship wasn’t working anymore. Debbie saw how distressed I was and asked if I needed someone to talk to. I decided to take her up on the offer and we went into a nearby conference room. I wasn’t fully out of the closet back then, yet I finally worked up the courage to tell her the truth because I was convinced she was a lesbian and would understand my issues. As I sat down and began to out myself, telling her everything that was going on in my unstable relationship with my partner, I told her I felt comfortable saying all this because she was a lesbian. When I was done, she smiled and gently responded by saying she wasn’t gay, but thought I was attractive. I probably turned the darkest shade of red that day, yet she totally took it in stride and it became the very thing that would bond us for decades to come.

Towards the tail end of my brief time working with her at Arbella, we took a business trip together to Des Moines, Iowa, where I would experience a complete nervous breakdown on our flight back, as I had decided it was finally time to end my relationship with my partner. When she heard me crying profusely several rows ahead, she ended up moving her seat next to me and spent the entire flight offering plenty of comfort and reassurance. Shortly after that trip, I’d quit Arbella and do another geographical cure by moving back to Virginia, to the same vicinity I had just left about 10 months prior.

I’d remain in Virginia for the next 10 years, but Debbie and I never lost touch during all those years, even when I lived through one addictive mess after another. Always praying for me, always doing her best to lift me up, and always offering me many reassurances upon reassurances that God and she loved me unconditionally. Most people over those years gave up on me, but Debbie never did and anytime I’d take a trip back to Massachusetts to visit my sister, I’d spend a little time with her, reconnecting and feeling very grateful that she was still a part of my life.

In 2007, when I lost the bed and breakfast I owned, faced financial ruin, saw the end of an almost seven-year relationship, and had nothing left really to offer anyone, I moved again back to Massachusetts where I’d finally begin my path to recovery from a life of addiction. Debbie became a regular part of my life again after that.

Over the next seven years I remained in Massachusetts, Debbie opened up her home in Braintree to me, as well as her second home on Cape Cod, a place I found great respite in on many a weekend. I loved visiting her there, as there we’d go to the beach together, chat late into the night about so many spiritual topics, enjoy coffees and desserts at an awesome place called Hot Chocolate Sparrow, play some games, watch movies, dine out, and simply appreciate each other’s company. It was during this time that Debbie became family to me, something I don’t take lightly given how little family I’ve had in this life.

It’s been over five years now that I left Massachusetts, and I’ve only seen Debbie twice since then. Once, because she drove through Toledo and stayed with my partner and I, and once because I returned there last summer where I got to spend an afternoon and evening with her doing a whale watch and having dinner, both of which provided me lasting memories. Yet, even with the long gaps of time in between seeing each other, I remain close to Debbie, as she has offered me a number of consoling conversations over the phone on high physical pain-filled days.

In the end, as I reflect upon a woman I certainly have much to be grateful for, the thing about Debbie to be the most grateful for is simply this. She is one of those people who tend to see the best in someone, even when they’re at their worst and someone who never gives up on you, even when you may have already given up on yourself. I love Debbie for this and felt it was time to express some much-needed and long-overdue appreciation for a woman I hope and pray will remain my friend for the rest of this life…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Question To Ponder For The Day

Of the following choices, what is the order of importance of what you seek in a romantic partner OR which ones do you feel are the most important to you?

A. Physical looks and personal hygiene
B. Spiritual beliefs
C. Comfortability with public affection (like holding hands, quick kisses)
D. Usage of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, etc.
E. Level of education and profession
F. Financial state
G. Mental, emotional, and physical health
H. Hobbies and interests
I. Sense of humor
J. Location (where they live)
K. Level of independence
L. Sexual abilities
M. Kindness, generosity, selflessness
N. Trustworthiness and level of integrity
O. A good listener

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

What Are Your “Must’s” In A Relationship?

What are your “must’s” in a relationship? What attributes do you seek in a partner? I asked this very thing recently to a good friend of mine who really struggles being single for as long as he has, and it ended up landing me in somewhat of a heated discussion. Why my discussion became heated was due to a belief I hold that many of those who seek relationships that have been single for a good while often have too conforming of a box, a box that leaves them in a very small pool.

Case in point, my friend is quite adamant about not ever wanting to express any sort of public signs of affection whatsoever with a partner, even if the mood struck. So, say for example, if you were ever sitting on a park bench somewhere with someone you had feelings for and the mood suddenly struck you, maybe because of a beautiful sunset in front of you, or just because, that you decided to lean in for a brief kiss. While that would be a no-no for my friend on every level, it would be quite welcome with me. For him, much of that relates to him being gay and the prejudices he feels still remain out there, but for me, I decided long ago that I wouldn’t let fear control me like that, mainly because I don’t want to ever miss out on an opportunity to share a special moment that I will never get back. While I can’t speak for the rest of the world, I can speak for myself and say that showing signs of affection is a must for me, whether that’s holding hands, or a quick kiss on the lips, or a wink, or a silly tickle to make a person laugh, or resting a hand on the other’s leg, each being things my partner Chris and I have done over the years that I’ve come to treasure immensely.

A few other qualities that are must’s when it comes to me being with a partner are things I’ve come to understand about myself that are important to the growth of my spiritual journey in life. The first of which is the avoidance of anyone who is dependent on alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gambling, or anything of the sort. Basically, anyone who has a severe addiction that rules their life. Because for anyone who is living with an active addiction that rules their life, there is no room for a romantic relationship, given their first love will always be the substance of the addiction itself, where the importance of everyone and everything else becomes a distant second or far worse. Any attempt I ever made to prove that wrong has only ever led to me becoming very sick and toxic myself.

The second deals with negativity. I work so hard to be a positive person in my life because of my health issues and I’ve seen how negative energy easily affects it. It’s precisely why I don’t like being around negative people nowadays and would rather spend time alone if need be. Because people who seem to complain about everything that doesn’t fit into what their ego thinks should be happening, like how drivers are driving, or how this person shouldn’t be doing this or that, or how crappy some politician is, etc., is totally draining to my spiritual self, and eventually leads to affecting my mental, emotional, and physical states as well.

The last one deals with God. It probably is the most important thing I seek in a partner these days, as I truly desire to be connected to someone who enjoys praying with me, worshipping with me, and talking with me about spiritual things that expands my views on God rather than limits them. Connecting to God has become the sole drive in my life and to not have a partner interested in being a part of that would leave a very gaping hole in a relationship for me. While I never expect my path with God to be the same of my partner, I do believe it’s important for those paths to intersect regularly in a partnership.

Regardless, there are plenty of other attributes I seek in a partner, but many of them have shifted over the years. Beyond those I already mentioned as must’s, I do my best to remain open and not place my partner in a very close-minded box. To make a partner conform to what’s comfortable for me is a very limiting thing indeed when it comes to a relationship, and it’s something Chris has really helped me to see over the past few years.

So, if you happen to be someone who’s single and longs to be in a relationship, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having your own “must’s” for the partner you seek. Just realize that some of them could end up being so limiting that it might leave you in a very small pool, one that could very well leave you single in the long run, rather than partnered…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson