Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

Have you ever been told that you’re overly needy? I ask this question because one of my friends has been going through this very thing recently with their partner who never seems to be content with what love my friend offers them.

Unfortunately, I have to admit I relate more to my friend’s significant other, given how many times I’ve been told in past relationships how needy I can be. And for the longest time, I blamed each of those who told me this and always thought I was just picking the wrong people to grow close to. But the reality I eventually learned was one that was quite difficult to face.

I was needy because I never received much unconditional love growing up, especially from my mother. The fact is, I tried so hard as a kid to receive her love and never really felt like I got it. So, I constantly searched for that in subsequent relationships with every person I tried to grow close to, hoping to somehow fix the problem that originated in my relationship with her. But in all reality, the only thing that ever happened was me super-imposing the energy of my mother on each of them. And sadly, none of them were ever able to satisfy that void she left behind within me.

I drove a lot of people away from my life because of this behavior, but thankfully, after hearing enough of them tell me how needy I was, I found the desire to work on healing this part of me. To do so, I had to come to a place where I learned to love spending more time with myself, where it was ok to be alone. And that’s a hard thing to do when one spends most of their life pining for someone else’s love all in the hopes that it will fix the love they never received as a kid.

While I’m still working on this in my current relationship, I’ve definitely gotten much better. I do enjoy spending a lot more time alone nowadays, often in the solace of writing in my blog, doing puzzles, reading books, going to the movies, or simply just sitting in nature. In each of those situations, I’ve learned to love and nurture the parts of me that my mother never could.

Because the bottom line is that no person, place, or thing in this world will ever be able to give me enough love to replace that which was mostly absent from my past. It is only through learning to love myself and filing my emptiness with God have I ever felt that void disappear.

So, if by some chance, you are someone like me who been told more than once over the years that you’re needy, try working on figuring out who it was that was first in your life to never give you the unconditional love you truly deserved. Next, work on forgiving them once you’ve figure that out and finally, and most importantly, start spending more time alone. As in doing so, you’ll realize that loveless void can and will be filled by you and your Higher Power like no one else ever could.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

The weather has definitely shifted here in Toledo with temperatures dropping close to 0 degrees over the past week along with several days of snow accumulation. And while I find some peace and serenity with the beauty that comes in this change of weather, my heart still feels heavy.

It feels heavy for all those like this young man I saw standing outside the entrance to a Home Depot the other day in frigid temperatures, obviously homeless, bundled with several layers, hoping for some kind of financial help. On his back was a sleeping bag and a few possessions.

It feels heavy for all those like this woman I saw a movie theater recently who had barely any motor function control in her body and seemed very sad, all while taking my ticket stub and having to use a cutting board to slice it in half.

It feels heavy for all those like this good friend of mine who recently relapsed heavily back into their alcohol and drug addiction and was kicked out of their home in the process.

It feels heavy for all those who lost their jobs recently and are wondering how they’re going to provide gifts to their family or even make ends meet.

If feels heavy for all those in hospitals that are sick and ailing, and maybe won’t make it through this season or be with any loved ones for the holidays.

It feels heavy for all those who won’t be able to make it outside to enjoy any bit of the magic that comes from seeing or feeling the snowfall on the face and body.

It feels heavy for all those who have no one to be with, are completely alone, and wish they had a companion or a family to enjoy this season with.

It feels heavy for a lot of other things too.

Which is why I’m truly starting to realize there’s a lot more people right now in life going through far worse than any of my own current struggles and woes.

Unfortunately, it’s so easy to get caught up in self-pity at times, even when it’s obvious there is much greater suffering going on all around me. The reality is that I just have to take a quick look around and keep my eyes open every day to see there’s a lot of other pain and anguish going on in this world far worse than mine.

So, thank you God for helping me feel this heavy heart even during this change of weather that usually brings me some peace and serenity. Because it’s through all those things that’s caused me to have this heavy heart that’s helped me to see the abundance I still have in life. I’m truly sorry for all of those selfish moments where I’ve failed to see that. May You forgive me for that and may You bless all those who are going through pain and struggles far worse than I.

I’m truly grateful to you God for my heavy heart…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Having a pet in my house is something I wasn’t accustomed to at all until I met my partner in February of 2012. That’s when I became acquainted to Driggs, a very ornery cat who had previously been with my partner Chris for more than ten years at the time. It took Driggs a good year from that point to get used to me and vice versa, but when we both did, the two of us became inseparable. But tragically Driggs developed oral cancer four years later and had to be put to sleep, leaving me devastated.

Part of me wanted to replace Driggs as soon as possible to cover up the pain I felt inside, while the other part of me wanted to take enough time to grieve like I would any other member of my family if they had passed. I opted for the latter and chose to leave the decision with God on whether I was ever meant to have another cat again.

Month after month went by after that where the only answer I got from my Higher Power about getting another cat was “not yet”. It’s hard to explain how I kept getting that answer and any attempt to do so would probably not make much sense. But let’s just say I know God was being overly clear that I wasn’t meant to get another cat any time soon.

Ultimately, I had plans to get a purebred Siberian Forest Cat when God eventually said it was time, because I wanted a hypoallergenic animal in my house. Not that I’m allergic to animals these days (like I once was), but more so for any guest that may come visit me who is. Nevertheless, it seemed like God had a different plan, as God usually does, because one day my sister contacted me and said she had to get rid of one of her cats.

When I asked why, she told me that her two female cats were having major issues with a male cat she brought into her household earlier in the year. Supposedly they were now constantly peeing and pooping outside their litter box as acts of defiance for having this male cat around. It’s probably important to mention at this point that how my sister acquired this male cat was rather interesting.

She discovered him at around 2 weeks old by a dumpster in her neighborhood. He had been abandoned there and was most likely going to die if left unattended. She chose to rescue him, and nursed him back to heath as best as she could. At one point not too long later though, he developed a pretty serious urinary issue that the vet thought he wasn’t going to heal from. That’s when my sister and her husband opted to pray for him and wouldn’t you know their prayers worked. He fully healed and ever since has been an extremely friendly and playful cat. Unfortunately, my sister knew she still needed to part ways with him because of the trauma her older cats were feeling with his presence. That’s when she called me and suggested I take him.

At the time of that call, I was still receiving the same answer from my Higher Power that it wasn’t time to get a cat yet. So I started praying to God at that point that if I truly was meant to take my sister’s cat, to let me know somehow. And wouldn’t you know, just on the precipice of when my sister was planning on taking the cat to a shelter, I received the answer that it was time to get a new and my sister’s cat was it. Zoom forward to just a few weeks ago with my sister’s visit here and it was then I was formerly introduced for the first time to Smokey.

Sometimes I find it really funny how God knows just what you need, when you most need it, because ever since Smokey’s arrival, my spirits have been much brighter. This cat has bonded to me exceptionally well and now usually follows me everywhere, is constantly purring, and regularly just wants to sit near me like he is right now as I type this very entry. (See the picture below.)

Smokey has brought a smile to my face and humor into my home a good number of times already and on some level, that’s exactly what I need these days with everything I continue to go through with my health and healing. Thus I’m grateful to God for once again having such precise timing in knowing when I was meant to get a cat again. Thankfully I remained patient enough with God to see it all come together in the way it was meant to. I’m sure the same holds true with my health and healing, but for now, I thank you God for bringing me Smokey The Cat.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson