Silly Joke Friday

Joke #1

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She then looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

Joke #2

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.” The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”

Joke #3 – Especially for my partner Chris…

Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, “Hello” from the other side!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

The Child’s Bedtime Prayer said by a much older adult…

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my backside
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you’ve done.

Silly Joke #2

A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” replies the little girl.

“Just say what you usually hear Mommy say, sweetie…”

Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, “Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?”

Silly Joke #3

After praying nonstop for eight years, God decides to grant a faithful man answers to three prayers.

“I pray to have the coolest car in the world.” the man says to God.

“Done.” Suddenly a McLauren F1 appeared in front of him and a title registered in his name.

“I pray for a home that is the most luxurious mansion in the world.” the said excitedly while staring at his new multi-million dollar vehicle.

“Done.” Suddenly he found himself standing in front of The Spelling Manor in Beverly Hills, a 56,000 square foot home, with the deed to it now in his hands.

“And lastly, I pray for the most loyal and faithful woman in the world.”

“Done.” Suddenly Mother Theresa appeared.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Joke #1

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

Joke #2

My boss called Johnny into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Johnny,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” Johnny replied.

Joke #3

Harry and Barbra’s marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they hear about a marriage seminar being given in their neighborhood they decide to attend. “One of the most important things in marriage”, said the speaker, “is to get to really know your spouse well. For example,” continued the speaker, “How many of you know what’s your wife’s favorite type of flower?” Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, “it’s gold medal all-purpose flour isn’t it?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

There once was a man who lived with a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them so much, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Soon after, they got married.

A few months later, on his way home from work one day, his car broke down a few miles from his house. He called his wife to let her know and she suggested he walk the remainder for a little exercise because she was really busy preparing dinner. He agreed and just as he got on his way, he passed by a small café and the wonderful aroma of baked beans emanating from it. Since he still had those couple of miles to go before he reached his home, he figured he would be able to walk off any ill effects that might occur if he quickly stopped in to have a little of his favorite food. Three extra-large helpings later, he was back on his way home, and, just as he thought, it was filled with one fart after another. But, by the time he arrived at his front door, he felt reasonably safe that he had gotten it all out of him.

His wife met him there and seemed somewhat excited to see him. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She then put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he unfortunately was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone thankfully rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went into another room to answer the phone. While she was gone, he quickly seized the opportunity by shifting his weight to one leg and letting it go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg, causing him to have a hard time breathing for a moment, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He started to feel better again when suddenly another urge to fart came on. He raised his leg again and let it rip. This time it sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelling even worse than the last one. To keep himself from having to inhale it, he tried fanning his hands and arms around a bit, hoping the smell would dissipate better than how the napkin had fared for him. But in the midst of doing that, the last one he’d emit came out of him and it was a real blue-ribbon winner. It was so loud that even the table shook and so foul-smelling that he actually started gagging. He did everything he could to dispel the smell away from the room.

Thankfully, a few minutes passed before his wife’s phone call ended, which by then the toxic air seemed to have returned back to normal. Still blindfolded, but now smiling, because she hadn’t discovered his worst trait, he felt thoroughly relieved. When she re-entered the dining room and asked him if he had peeked at the dinner table, he reassured her he had not. Then, upon removing the blindfold, she exclaimed, “SURPRISE!”

There, to his shock and horror, seated around the table were twelve very unhappy, frowning dinner guests, each of them being his dearest friends, who were all there for his 40th surprise birthday party…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson