Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (Two short ones…)

As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, “Goodbye Minnie!” 
My son waved and said, “Goodbye Mickey!” 
Then I waved and said, “Goodbye money!!!”

My cousin Jimmy was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines. It turns out he had back issues.

Silly Joke #2

Things to ponder:

– Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

– “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I Do,” is the longest sentence?

– When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Silly Joke #3

Sunday School Teacher: “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me a ticket into heaven?”
NO!” the children all answered.
Sunday School Teacher: “What if I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me a ticket into heaven?”
Again the answer was, “NO!”
Sunday School Teacher: “Well, then, how about if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all you children and loved my wife with all my heart, would that get me a ticket into heaven?”
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
The Sunday School Teacher was feeling very proud of her class and getting ready to talk about Jesus but wanted to see if anyone had the real answer.
Sunday School Teacher: “Well then, does anyone know how can I get into heaven then?”
Little Johnny, that mischievous boy always saying the most inappropriate of things suddenly shouts out, “You just gotta be dead Teacher!”

Bonus Silly Joke

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?” The man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for our 40th anniversary then?” John asks.
“I want a divorce John, that’s what I want…” answers Mary nonchalantly.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning on spending that much…” says John.

Silly Joke #2

A very inquisitive professional detective walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The detective watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. “Well,” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber. Do you think you can guess what it is?” “Let me have it,” said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. “Yes,” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but honestly, I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?” “From my nose,” the drunk replied.

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny, who always says and does the most inappropriate of things was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced boy was up to, he politely asked, “What are you doing there, Johnny?” “My goldfish died,” replied Little Johnny without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor responded, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Little Johnny patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, “Well, that’s only because he was inside your fat cat.”

Bonus Silly Joke

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “I’m celebrating, too,” she replied, clinking glasses with him. “What are you celebrating?” he asked. “For years I’ve been trying to have a child,” she answered, “Today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!” “Congratulations,” the man said, lifting his glass. “As it happens, I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they’re finally fertile.” “How did it happen?” “I had to switch cocks.” “Huh! What a coincidence,” she said, smiling.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A concerned woman phones her doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m really worried about my husband. I honestly think he’s lost his mind. He thinks he’s a dog and been acting like the ones we have all day!” “I’m coming over right away, as I have to see this for myself!” the doctor says. When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door. Her husband is on all fours and starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor’s hand while the real dogs look at him strangely. “Interesting”, the doctor says, a little startled. “I’ll examine him. Can you make him lie down on the sofa?” “No, sorry Doctor. Our dogs aren’t allowed on the sofa!”

Silly Joke #2

A husband is trying to relax at home on Saturday after a long week, but his wife keeps nagging him to go outside and mow the lawn. Eventually, he blurts out, “I’ll do that if you can answer just this one question for me.” She pauses momentarily and nods ok. He then says, “Well, you know how a deer, a cow, and a horse all eat grass. But a deer’s excretions are pellets, while a cow makes flat pies, and a horse makes clumps…why is that?” His wife says, “I have no idea?” He replies, “Well then, I guess I don’t have to do the lawn then when it’s obvious you don’t know sh*t?”

Silly Joke #3 (2 Little Johnny Jokes, the boy who always says the most inappropriate of things…)

Little Joey is talking to his big brother Little Johnny one day.
Little Joey: Do you know that Mom and Dad told me I was actually born on the highway? Pretty cool right?
Little Johnny: Well that makes sense, that’s where most accidents tend to happen!

Little Johnny was talking to his mother one day.
Little Johnny: Mom, you know how they say in church that having sex before marriage is a sin?
Mom: Yes dear, why would you bring up such a thing?
Little Johnny: Well I was wondering, since you and Dad are married and are also always fighting does that mean having sex would now be considered a miracle for you guys?

Bonus Silly Joke

There was a young Scottish boy named Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. ‘I’m fine, ‘ Angus said. ‘But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.’ ‘Well, ma laddie,’ says his mother, ‘I suggest you don’t associate with people like that.’ ‘Oh,’ says Angus, ‘I don’t, I mostly just stay inside my apartment when I’m home practicing on my bagpipes for hours!’ 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson