Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (Because I couldn’t resist these two totally corny short ones!)

John: Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people’s shopping carts…
Mary: Why was he doing that?!
John: Well, I think he was a stalker!

Q: Why isn’t holy water used in vaccines?
A: Because you can’t take the Lord’s name in vein.

Silly Joke #2

It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother. It had taken me a long time to find the right one to spend the rest of my life with after so many terrible relationships and my mother knew that more than anyone. As she approached the church doors, an usher asked her, “Which side are you on?” “Oh, no!!!” she said. “Are they fighting already?”

Silly Joke #3

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s when he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him…” the lawyer said with a huge grin.

Silly Joke #4

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 in the dorm he first lived in and some guy answered it. “May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college. I’m just trying to relive a little of my youth. The young man fully opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything. He said, “Man, nothing has really changed. The same old wooden table, the same heating fixture, and the same old window that’s so hard to open and close…” he said as he struggled to move it. The boy laughed nervously for some odd reason. As the old man examined the bed, he sat down on it, it creaked and said, “Yep, same old bed.” He then looked under it to find a young girl wide-eyed staring back. As she came out from under the bed, the young man got alarmed and said, “Oh, she’s my sister. She’s just visiting me for the weekend and dropped her earring and has been searching for it.” The old man then said, “Yup, and the same old story…” as he left the room smiling from ear to ear.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a beautiful blond just standing in the middle of nowhere in a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road to see if she needs help. “Hello, are you ok? Do you need some assistance?” The beautiful blond replies, “I’m fine, this is actually the edge of my husband’s property, he’s a farmer. And I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize today.” “What? How?” asks the man, puzzled. “Well I heard the Nobel Prize is usually given to people who are out standing in their field.”

Silly Joke #2

When Jack died, his lawyer was standing before the family and reading his last will and testament: “To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother Jeff, who always annoyed me by insisting that improving your health is far better than having a ton of wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

Silly Joke #3

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy, Little Johnny, a boy who always said the most inappropriate of things, into bed. She was about to turn off the light when Little Johnny asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep next to me tonight?” The mother had been trying to wean Johnny off from relying on her to sleep next to him so she responded, “Not tonight honey, I need to sleep in Daddy’s room ok?” Little Johnny replied angrily, “The big sissy!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Little Johnny was now grown up and actually got a scholarship to Harvard. During his first week on campus, he was still learning to get around the place and was trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. While wandering around, he sees an older, distinguished-looking professor walking by and asks him for directions. “Excuse me,” he asks, “do you know where the library is at?” The professor stops, looks at him, and scoffs, “Son, at Harvard one would never end any sentence with a preposition…”. “Ok. Fine. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A kindergarten teacher was talking to the children seated on the floor around her. She removed her glasses to clean them as she continued to talk. “Wow, Miss Collins!” one child exclaimed. “You look really young without your glasses on!” Then mischievous Little Johnny blurted out, “Yeah, I bet that’s not the case when she takes her teeth out at night!”

Silly Joke #2

A beautiful blond young woman from the farm country had never gone to the big city before finally decides to go and checks in to a nice hotel downtown. The hotel clerk reminds her during check-in of the time for meals at their restaurant. “Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, lunch from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8,” explained the clerk. “Look here!,” said the country blond, “When am I ever going to get time to see the city if I’m at the hotel eating all the time?!”

Silly Joke 3

A wealthy man had an affair with a beautiful single Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she had become pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would remain in Italy to secretly have their child. If she stayed in Italy to raise their child, he also said he would provide abundant child support until the child turned 18. She agreed to his conditions, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to a confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very odd post card today.”  “Oh, let me have a look…” he said. The wife gave him the card, and he read it aloud, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!” and then fainted.

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she’ll go out, but doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it’s an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, “Why the black panties?” She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.” Obviously, he knows he’s not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit…except… this time he has a black prophylactic over his manhood. She looks at him and asks, “What’s with the…uh…black prophylactic?” He replies, “I’d like to offer my deepest condolences.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson