Having A Perfect Type

I have found that most people in this world have some basis of a “type” they look for in someone they wish to date. While some have told me they don’t have a type, I always find upon further questioning that each of them do. Maybe it’s that they don’t prefer heavier-set people or possibly they don’t prefer a certain ethnic race people or they stay away from people shorter than themselves. But in just about every case, I can find at least some traits that they look for and can be labeled as their “type”.

For most of my life, I’ve been what one may deem a “chubby chaser”. I prefer to date larger people. When I’ve dated women in my life, they are full-figured. And when I’ve dated men in my life, such as my partner currently, they are usually labeled as a “bear” in the gay culture. For as early as I can remember in my life that is what I was attracted to. Even in elementary school I can remember staring at the heavier boys and girls not wanting to look away. Over the years as my spirituality waned, so did my openness to people I would consider going out with. In other words, I became more and more superficial in who I would allow myself to go out with.

There became a quest within me to search for the perfect person that had to fit a certain set of criteria. And if they didn’t meet that set, I just didn’t go out with them and made up some excuse. The internet made this extremely easy to do too. Much of my
free time was spent perusing through the single’s listing and just
looking at pictures. Those that I found were “the hottest” got a personal message from me and those that didn’t have a picture or just seemed average looking in my mind, didn’t.

As the years passed, those who I did date or land in relationships with were always someone that I had approached and asked out. And every one of them failed. Through therapy that came much later, I realized that all of them held the energy of my mother and were just showing me a mirror of what I had become: controlling, addiction based, codependent, and conditionally loving. Eventually as I fell completely off the spiritual path and after many years of dating toxic people, I realized I was the one that was sick and needed help. So I began intense therapy in the summer of 2011 and began working through many issues like an onion being peeled back. Little by little, I no longer found myself being drawn to those same type of toxic people that I had sought out again and again. And the more that I healed and learned to love myself, the more I lost the appeal to even being around any of what I had once labeled as my specific type.

And that’s when my partner showed up. It didn’t happen suddenly. Rather, he came into my life after only several months of me in therapy with a response to my one and only personal ad online. Initially, I kept him at bay and strung him along like I had done to so many others over the years as I continued to date dead-ends. Occasionally I would respond to his repeated attempts to get to know me as something within me kept getting drawn back to him. Some say that people draw into their lives those that are energetically similar to their own energy, and as they grow spiritually, so does those that are drawn in. Looking back, I believe that’s why I continued to respond to someone that didn’t fit my old type. The more I worked on myself spiritually and drew closer to God, the more that I wanted to get to know this guy. And eventually, after an umpteenth trip to meet someone over New Years that I had pursued and proved to be another bust, I gave him my full attention.

As I write this, I’m coming up to a year of being monogamously partnered with him. I love him dearly. And I know he loves me the same. I continue to work on myself and find that my love grows deeper for him every day. I see many people today that fit the bill of what I used to chase after. But now there’s a repulsion that I feel inside towards those people because I’ve realized that they are still doing what I did for so many years and I don’t want to ever go back to living that way.

I have found that there is no perfect type. There is no perfect partner. To seek out perfection in someone to date was simply because of my own flaws and insecurities. Through the process of healing with God at the center of my life, I have been given a wonderful relationship that is so different from anyone I have ever dated before. I’m glad I listened to that small voice within me and gave him a chance. He has continued to teach me that real unconditional love isn’t based upon a type, it’s based upon a feeling…and it’s in the heart and soul, just like it is with us.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson