In a therapist’s visit the other day, I was feeling a little down and questioning whether I’ve grown at all in the past year. I love my therapist because she doesn’t tell me what I want to hear, she asks me instead to look within and answer those questions myself. So instead of her saying, that I’ve grown so much and giving me a pat on the back, she posed a question instead.
“Where were you about a year ago and what was going on in your life then?”
What a fascinating question to ponder! I’ve tried to move away from dwelling on the past or worrying about the future on most days lately, because then I’m not remaining in today. I know that sounds like a cheesy slogan on a Hallmark card except there’s so much truth to it. But for the purposes of therapy, I delved into her question to see what answers I could give her.
A year ago here is what I remember. I was completely and underly obsessed with a guy who was an active drug addict that loved his Harley motorcycle more than any other thing in this world. I spent many a days and nights trying to be like him, make my friendship with him closer, and trying to convince myself that he, a married guy, might possibly also be gay. I hung out at the gym that we were both members of, hoping he might show up and work out with me sometimes staying there for pointless hours. I waited by my phone on many nights hoping to hang out and the phone never rang. I paid for all the things we did together thinking it was my duty. And I was turning away on some level a guy who did want to get to know the real me and seemed to like me just as I was. I was also on medication to handle depression and anxiety and my body was riddled with pain that drove me to thoughts of wanting to use alcohol or drugs again to numb it. Self-pity was my best friend.
That guy hasn’t been in my life for almost a year now. Two more months and that will be a true statement. There is not a single person in my life that I’m codependent with, obsessed with, chasing after, lusting after, or being toxic with. I am no longer on day to day medications to suppress depression and anxiety. My physical pain levels seem to be reducing more and more every day. And God has brought fully into my life that guy who I kept putting at bay, and we are soon to be celebrating together one year as a monogamous couple.
It’s easy to think that we aren’t growing or going anywhere when we are deep into our own thoughts each and every day. Sometimes it takes a comparison to a time frame in the past such as a year ago to see the growth we may have made. I’m grateful for my therapist having posed that question because it made me realize that even on my worst of days, I would never, ever, want to go back to the life I was living a year ago.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson