“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others…”
There’s a line in all 12 step recovery programs which I often hear and believe applies to this step. “Are you willing to go to any lengths to maintain your recovery?” Making amends isn’t an easy task. On the whole list of the 12 steps, the 9th Step might just be considered the hardest to undertake. It directly relates to just how willing someone is to maintain their recovery as the work in this step will have them facing their past and all the pain, harm, and damage they’ve caused others.
By the time a person in recovery makes it to this step, they should have already begun to see the damage they caused others through their own selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fear based behaviors. They should have already begun to be aware of the havoc their actions created from their addiction based world. There should be no doubt in their minds how much their addictions had control of them and how great the consequences came from living in each of them.
When I arrived at the 9th Step for the first time, I was more than aware of how much the chaos in my world came from my own doing. I was even more aware of how much living in my addictions created an endless stream of people I owed amends to. But I was most aware of how fearful I was to go back to all of those people or institutions and make restitution for what I had done because of living in the disease of all my addictions.
There were friends that I had used for my own sexual advantage, places I had stolen products from, gossip I had spread which hurt certain others, lies that I had told which damaged loved ones, relationships I had come in between and broken apart, promises that I had made and never kept, and so on and so forth. A list of names and places sat in front of me from my 8th Step showing me this. I knew that I owed each of them an amends that wasn’t going to be as easy as offering only an apology. I also knew that if I skipped over this crucial step, I most likely would slowly unravel at the seams and eventually go back to living in my addictions creating only a longer amends list to one day tackle.
Making an amends means a lot more than just showing up to where I caused harm and telling someone I was a sick person in an addiction and saying I’m sorry. It means being honest from a truly humble place and telling someone how I had been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid. It means describing in detail each of those elements to where I had caused them harm or damage. It means allowing for that person to tell me how much pain I caused them, giving them the opportunity to let it out with me just listening. And the most important part comes at the end of each amends where I ask for their forgiveness and what they need to move beyond the damage I caused them. This is why I had so much fear and why so many others have the same when tackling a 9th Step.
Every one of those amends brought out fear for me before attempting to tackle them. Unfortunately, the path of every amends is different. In some cases, I made the amends and all was forgiven with a big hug. In other cases, I was told all was forgiven long before and that I hadn’t even needed to make an amends. There were cases where I was told before I even started that they didn’t want to hear the amends and to leave them alone. In those cases, I had to accept that they weren’t ready to forgive me and all I could do was give myself credit that I had been willing to try. There were even cases where I couldn’t make the amends because I had no idea where the people were and all I could do was put it in God’s hands to hopefully one day be placed in their path. I know of other cases where people have faced being screamed and yelled at. I know of even other cases where people are told they will never be forgiven for what they’ve done. Thankfully I did not have to deal with either of those situations nor did I have to deal with any outstanding warrants, or police matters. I know of people who have run from the law that turned themselves in when getting honest on their 9th Step. There have been people who have even gone back to places or people they stole great sums of money from during this step’s work. Thankfully I didn’t have to do that either. What I did have to face though was many people who had seen me tear apart their lives and cause great emotional and mental suffering. I watched many cry and sob because of my amends. I realized I had broken many hearts and torn apart many lives.
As this step says, there are times though that we can’t make amends because it might injure them or others more. In my case, there were people I had been sexual with outside of their marriages or partners, of which their other halves weren’t aware of. To make an amends to them or their family would have caused greater harm and instead I had to practice a living amends which meant never again doing those behaviors.
This step really does take a lot of willingness to complete it. It involves facing all those dark corners that have been avoided for years. It involves seeing and listening to other’s anger and rage without saying anything back. It involves being humble to those once thought were never to be faced again. But most importantly for me, it involves praying diligently to God before each of them asking for strength to complete it. And it involves praying just as diligently afterward, thanking God for having given me the strength to walk through all that fear. After all, it is because of my closer relationship to God that has made me become willing to go to any lengths to maintain my recovery and do any of these amends in the first place. Because of it, I am finding much more inner peace today.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
