Heterosexual Men Who Engage In Homosexual Behaviors

Many years ago, when I was single, I began to come across all too often, men who claimed they were heterosexual, yet they regularly engaged in homosexual behaviors.

The first time I came across this was when I placed a personal ad out on some Internet dating website. I can still remember a response I got from this one man who told me his wife was going to be out of town for a few days and was willing to fly me out to where he lived to keep him company during that time. He even went so far as saying she travelled often and he’d be willing to pay for me to come out there on a regular basis. At first I thought this was just an internet sham, but I learned pretty quickly it wasn’t. Within a short period of time, for whatever reasons I don’t know, more of these types of men continued to respond to my personal ad. Some were married to women, some were dating women, and some were just plain single. But with each of them, they maintained the belief they were mostly heterosexual. Many went on to say that while they weren’t gay, they still enjoyed the occasional comfort of being with a man sexually. Some said they were bi-sexual but mostly straight. And others were actually honest and said they were essentially hiding out in their heterosexual marriages or relationships out of fear.

I found I was more inquisitive with the men who were married or dating a woman, as compared to the rest who were completely single. It wasn’t until many years later, when I began to treat my sex and love addiction, that I learned the reason for this was due to the “high” I was getting out of the act of chasing after someone already involved with someone else, especially with a woman. Most of those “involved” people always had very interesting comments when I brought up the subject of infidelity to them. There were those who said it wasn’t cheating because they weren’t sleeping around with any other woman. Others said they had an agreement with their wife or girlfriend, which I found usually wasn’t true. And some even went so far as saying their wife or girlfriend didn’t please them sexually anymore and that they found a man could do it better.

For a long time, I really thought all of this was bogus because those conversations only ever happened online and I never met any of those people in person. But all of that changed when I met a man in AA back in 2009 who was actively married to a woman at that point in time for around 30 years. And like so many of those online conversations had played out, this man truly claimed he was heterosexual yet he enjoyed engaging in gay sex. And unfortunately, I took the bait and succumbed to my first sexual relationship with someone like this. More often than not, it was one sided with me being the one to do the pleasing, which I found out later is a ploy that many heterosexual men do to maintain somewhere in their brains that they are still straight. There were a few other men from my past that I pursued very similar to this and through those toxic connections and from other research I did in recovery meetings, I learned that there really are not any black and white answers as to why heterosexual men engage in homosexual behaviors. For some it stemmed back to a molestation that affected their attractions in life and kept them re-enacting it over and over again. Others learned to like sex no matter who it was with. And of course there were those who were just afraid to admit they were “homosexual” or “gay”, so they stayed in their heterosexual relationships in fear but acted out on the side.

Regardless of what the reasons really are for each man who claims they are heterosexual but still engages in homosexual behaviors probably doesn’t matter. I believe what really matters is the pain and hurt these men are causing their wives, girlfriends, the single gay men they pursue, and even themselves. Wives give up years of their lives in marriage to these men who are doing nothing more than cheating on them. Girlfriends are often just puppets to keep up an illusion for these men. Openly gay men like myself who become involved with men like this often get hurt because of the many false promises made by these men that never come to fruition. And worst of all, they hurt themselves deep in their hearts and souls through all their deceptive acts as they continue to maintain their “heterosexuality” while sleeping with other men.

Thankfully God has helped me to figure out and accept who I am today, which is homosexual. There was a time though that I was just like many of those men I described above and that was only because of my inner fears, but God helped me to overcome them. And while that is just my story, there are many other men out there in this world who are still writing their own story in the sexuality department.

If you are a man who considers yourself heterosexual on any level but at the same time, is perusing any type of sex from another man online, at bookstores, at rest stops, parks, bars, or any other venue, it might be best for you to do what I did. Instead of continuing to hurt others, including yourself, seek support to figure out who you really are and ask God for guidance to get you there. In doing so, you will be able to come to your own inner truth on what your sexuality really is. And whether you find its heterosexual or homosexual doesn’t really matter, it’s your coming to acceptance in life of whatever it is, that does.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson