“Who’s The Male And Who’s The Female In Your Gay Relationship?”

In every same sex relationship there are, of course, two people of the same sex. So that’s either two males or two females right?! My asking this may sound rather funny to you right now, but for whatever the reason, it always seems as if heterosexual people want to know who plays the female in a same sex relationship and who plays the male.

From an outside perspective, it may appear that same sex relationships always have one partner being more masculine and one more feminine. But there is a problem in saying this though and that’s because it’s technically a judgment. And why is that a judgment? Well who makes the determination of what traits are considered masculine and what’s considered feminine? It’s not as if there is a manual out there that defines this. Instead, it’s society that does.

Throughout history, a woman was usually the person who did the cooking and the cleaning. They also took care of the kids, if there were some, and any other day to day household duties. The males, on the other hand, were considered the breadwinners and left each day to go earn the wages necessary to support the family. But as everyone can see, this has changed tremendously in these last few decades. In fact the roles are now becoming more equally shared with both the men and the women in those relationships each having a paid job as well as helping out doing the household chores. This same shift has occurred in the workforce where jobs that were once held primarily by men are now becoming equally shared with women such as in something like construction. There’s also been a shift with those who watch sports, such as baseball and football, where it once was mostly men, but now women have just as much of a love for them. The list goes on and on of how the lines are much more blurred now with the roles for a man or a woman. But sadly, in the case of same sex relationships, too many people still want to define who’s playing those roles.

Take for example two males in a same sex relationship where one of them is staying at home and working around the house, doing the cleaning, and preparing the meals, does that make them the female role? Society would have the tendency to say yes. But the reality is that this labeling of who’s the male role and who’s the female role in same sex relationships is a lot more about three very specific traits. They deal with a person’s voice, their appearance, and their desires sexually in bed.

In regards to one’s voice, many people would assume today that if a woman has a deep voice, that she’s probably a lesbian. If the woman is indeed a lesbian and in a same sex relationship, it’s further assumed that she’s playing the male role. On the other hand, if the man has a higher pitched voice, many would assume today that he’s probably gay. And if that man is indeed gay and in a same sex relationship, it’s also further assumed that he’s playing the female role.

In regards to one’s appearance, many people will also make the assumption today that if a woman cuts her hair short and wears jeans, that she’s probably a lesbian. And like before, if that woman is indeed a lesbian and in a same sex relationship, it’s also assumed that she’s playing the male role. No different is the view on a man who wears brightly colored and loud looking clothes, or walks with a “swish”, where it’s assumed that he’s probably gay. If that man is indeed gay and in a same sex relationship, it’s just as much assumed that he’s playing the female role.

In regards to one’s desires sexually in bed, there is this concept of who plays the “top” and who plays the “bottom” in a same sex relationship. The “top” is usually considered the dominant role and the assumption is made that it’s masculine for that reason. The “bottom” is usually considered the passive role and the assumption is made that it’s feminine for that reason.

There’s a common thread amongst each of these three traits. They are all based on assumptions and an assumption is nothing more than a judgment. There are no hard core truths or facts which indicate a person’s masculinity or femininity based upon the level of their voice, the way they look, or what their desires are sexually in bed. Unfortunately, it is simply just society that creates this.

The real truth is this. Every single human being has both a feminine side and a masculine side regardless of whatever their sexual preference is. While a person may allow one of those sides to become more pronounced than the other, that doesn’t necessarily make them gay or lesbian nor does it mandate them to be living in a more masculine or feminine based way. Saying so is truly just placing judgments and only adding more to the polarization that same sex relationships receive.

Personally, it’s my hope that God will start leading everyone away from trying to define things like this. There are so many more important things to focus on right now that have greater relevance with homosexuals and same sex relationships. Equal rights, gay marriage, and bullying are just a few examples. Maybe if people stop focusing in on things like who’s the masculine one and who’s the feminine one in a same sex relationship, they’ll start placing more energy towards what’s really important in life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Send This To At Least 10 Friends…”

If you have an e-mail address and friends who e-mail you regularly, my guess is that you probably have been a recipient of a chain e-mail at some point in time. You know those ones that always start out with something so very sweet? But then as you read on, they draw you in with that hook and ask you to send the e-mail on to at least ten friends, including the person who originally sent it to you, for some special condition to be met. Just the other day, I happened to receive one of these but after sending it on, I realized it was time to put an end to ever doing it again for one reason and one reason only. These e-mails are usually based upon the one feeling I’ve been trying to remove from my life and that’s GUILT.

In case you are one of those who don’t know what I’m talking about because you either don’t use the Internet or because you’ve never received one of these, here’s the e-mail I received in my Inbox that triggered all of this.

“Twenty angels are in your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine are playing and one is reading this message. Please Read…not joking…God has seen you struggling with something. God says it’s over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in God, send this message on, please don’t ignore it, you are being tested. God is going to fix two BIG things tonight in your favor. If you believe in God, drop everything and pass it on. Tomorrow will be the best day ever. Send this to at least ten friends, including me, if I don’t get it back, I guess I’m not one of them. As soon as you get five replies, someone you love will quietly surprise you…”

So what are YOU reading in this e-mail? Are you seeing any of that guilt it’s trying to provoke in you? Well I do and unfortunately, I have been falling for it in e-mails like this for years. But thankfully though, the spiritual work I’ve been doing on myself has finally helped me to see how my sending this out yet again did nothing more for me than take me in the exact opposite direction I’ve been heading in lately.

Guilt is a energy depleting feeling and it’s also extremely unspiritual. It’s something I grew up with in my alcoholic family. It’s something I endured through many toxic friendships and relationships, And it’s something I’d prefer to remove all traces of from my life like these chain e-mails.

Here’s what I believe are the real truths in this chain e-mail…

1. God sees us struggling all the time but that’s usually for the fact that we hold onto control and do our will instead of God’s will more than not.

2. God blesses each of our lives every single day except most of the time we are too busy to see it.

3. God only tests us in things that will help us spiritually grow to become more filled with love and light and to see if we have learned certain lessons from previous situations.

4. God fixes things all the time for us, but they don’t come in our time or through our demands. They come in God’s time and not because we are diligently sending out some chain e-mail that declares to God, “Well I sent this e-mail out God, so where’s my two BIG fixes!”

5. God asks us to drop our selfish and self-centered behaviors to help out one another, but sending out a chain e-mail like this is really just another selfish and self-centered action because of the reward it promises to the sender in doing so.

6. God’s guidance in life can lead to having every day be one of the best days ever but that entails removing self-will and leaning more on God’s will.

7. God wants each of us to love each other but not in guilting someone to e-mail another.

8. God loves you every single day just as much as deep down your soul loves God. By slowing down, you’ll see that God can quietly surprise you all the time.

While this is just one chain e-mail with its own set of guilt-laden messages, there are many others out there circulating that I don’t know how or where they originated. All I do know is that they continue to become more and more creative with deeper and deeper hooks to draw people in. They use that guilt and many other negative feelings to keep them going from person to person. So if you are looking to live a spiritual life, the next time you open your e-mail and see one of them in your inbox, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and do what I did when I got another one of them a few days later after the first. Delete it, and move on with your life with a big smile knowing you’re not only helping yourself in doing so, but so many others too.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

A Causal Gay Friend’s Dating Woes…

Just the other day, an adult gay male whom I know relatively well, started up a conversation with me about his dating woes. His main frustration stemmed from a first date experience he had with another man a few evenings prior. As he described that evening, I could tell his main angst was over the fact that he had engaged in sex at the end of that date and the other person hadn’t contacted him back since. Sadly, his story is not unlike so many others that happen in the gay community.

Too many gay men feel it’s important to explore the sexual realm with a potential suitor prior to really getting to know anything else about them. They repeat this behavior over and over again without ever finding any real deep connection with another male. I inquired on why the adult male I was talking with has the tendency to sleep so quickly with anyone he goes out on a date with and his answer only confirmed what I already knew. The sex, how good the other man is in bed, and their endowment were all at the top of his requirements list for a future partner. When I suggested that he might have better success in his quest to find a partner by going out with someone for a few months prior to ever engaging in sex, he scoffed at the idea. He responded to my suggestion by saying it wouldn’t be worth it if the day came to have sex with the person and they were terrible in bed or had a tiny apparatus.

It really is sad that this gay man, and so many others, feel this way. Most of them end up remaining single and go from one sexual experience to another never finding any real deep connection or love. What none of them realize is that true longevity in relationships comes from getting to know someone first and developing a friendship with them prior to entering that sexual realm. In regards to those people who insist on entering the sexual realm so quickly, most are only interested in the high that comes from the sex and usually aren’t looking to pursue a deep relationship. The people my casual gay friend is looking for who want to create a deep, long lasting relationship are most often the ones who abstain from sex in the early stages of dating. So in other words, my friend is only going to keep finding the same people much like himself who are out there going on a few dates with someone, having sex, and then quickly moving on to another.

Thankfully, none of that behavior was ever my style, but on the rare occasion I ever let it be, I always felt so dirty inside afterwards, so eventually I stopped doing that completely. God has helped me to see over the years that true love and happy relationships aren’t based around great sex. While sex of course is a wonderful way to express love in a deep connection, without the love it’s nothing but a friction based action between two people and a feeling of temporary pleasure.

My relationship with my partner today is not one based on sex. It didn’t begin based around sex and in fact, sex never even happened until over three months had passed with me getting to know him better. I feel sad for my casual friend who is so blind right now to seeing the cause of his dating woes is actually himself. If he could just change his priorities and start working on getting to know someone for awhile, he may find himself one day falling naturally in love just like I did with my partner. Until then, the tragic truth is that he will probably just keep going from one bad dating experience to another where the best thing that happens in any of them is a few moments of enjoying sexual lust.

I am grateful that God has shown me the best recipe for finding a successful relationship and it’s rather simple. If you meet someone you like, try dating them platonically for awhile. You may actually find out you really don’t like them before ever even engaging in sex with them. Or even better, you may find out as time passes, that the two of you are falling deeply in love. And if that starts to happen, the best part about it is that any sexual intimacy that occurs now is only going to bond your souls that much closer together. At least in that case, neither of you will be off and running anymore to another bad date with nothing to show for it but some potential good sex.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson