There is a phrase that is used quite a bit in all of the 12 Step recovery programs. Its’ words describe a period in a person’s life where they have reached the lowest point of their addiction. It also represents the moment in time when that person usually has lost everything which means something to themselves including family, friends, money, and their job. And to be in such a place for anyone is to mean that they’ve “hit rock bottom”.
While hitting rock bottom is a phrase most often used by those who have suffered from addictions, it’s also become widely used today by anyone who feels they have reached the lowest point in their lives. If you have ever experienced that feeling, then you know that one of the most predominant thoughts at that time is that things couldn’t possibly get any worse. Most of the sober people that I’ve known in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), as well as in many of the other recovery programs, have routinely told me that their sober date represents that time period when hitting rock bottom happened for them. In my case, that wasn’t true.
My final day of drinking and drugging came on June 10th, 1995. At that time in my life, I had been 6 months out of college, I was earning an incredible wage for someone that was only 23 years old, and I lived on my own in a very nice condo complex. I hadn’t lost anything and definitely didn’t feel as if I was at the lowest point in my life. But what was the case on that day was how bad the struggle was within myself about whether I was gay or not. The best friend I had at the time had come in for the weekend to celebrate my 23rd birthday, and as always we were whooping it up by way of getting wasted. What he didn’t know was that I had feelings for him and was trying to drink and drug them away. As we watched a movie that night on June 10th, I was sitting on the end of my couch and he, the middle. While the movie progressed and I grew more drunk, I slid closer to him and he, in turn, slid further away, until at one point he yelled at me to give him some space. At that moment, I thought I was going to throw up because of the anxiety I was feeling inside over my feelings and the whole situation with him. I ran to the bathroom and once safely within it, I knelt by the toilet but didn’t hurl. Instead, I prayed and asked God to help me figure out who I was, as I honestly thought the alcohol and drugs were making me be gay by causing me to have feelings for this guy. While that wasn’t my first rock bottom in life, it was definitely one of my lower periods. Thankfully, God answered my prayer that day in a way I hadn’t intended and removed my desire to drink, drug, and smoke cigarettes. The next day became the first day I drew a completely sober breath from all of them, but unfortunately, it also represented a day where my spiritual condition continued to decline even further. After checking out some AA meetings, I decided the 12 Step work wasn’t for me and left it behind for another 12 years.
During the course of those 12 years, I found many other ways to numb myself from various addictions that weren’t alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes. All of the pains from my childhood, from my insecurities within, and from things surrounding my sexuality plagued me day after day during all that time. My disease progressed as I did everything I could to stay numb. I tell people today when I speak at AA meetings that the disease of addiction progresses whether one is using alcohol or drugs or not, if they’re not working on healing the spiritual sickness that drives them to addictions. And mine progressed because I refused to work on healing mine. That all began to change when I copped a resentment with the United States of all things. I had burned so many bridges in all of the places I had visited and lived in my country that I thought going to another one would change things. So I went to Amsterdam of all places to spend an entire month with someone that ended with me burning even more bridges. When I finally landed back in the United States at Logan Airport in Boston, MA at the end of August, 2007, I hit that rock bottom and couldn’t stop crying. I had lost a seven year relationship with a man I had once deeply loved. I had wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars and thrown a million dollar business away. Most of the people I had once called my friends had left my life and the only thought I had inside was that I wanted to die. At 12 years clean and sober, I thought about suicide and ending it all just like my father had done. Now, I can look back at that moment in my life not only as the beginning of my recovery, but also as the moment when I truly first hit rock bottom.
Since then, I have had several other moments that I could argue were also periods of hitting rock bottom and I don’t believe there is only one time that it can happen in life. While I found recovery and started working on it for my alcohol and drug addiction, I remained active in other substitute addictions for a few more years that kept me bouncing in and out of depression. Once I fully turned over my ENTIRE will to my Higher Power, I haven’t hit any type of rock bottom since.
Hitting rock bottom is not a fun place to be in. It’s a moment in time where death often seems like a better option than life. The only way I found out of that darkness which comes in that moment is to find a Higher Power who can give you enough light to show the way. If you are feeling like you are in that darkness right now, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and call upon your Higher Power to light up your path out of it. I can promise you that if you follow that Light for the rest of your life, you will never have to hit any type of rock bottom ever again…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson