I’ve come to the conclusion that too many people are often misguided when it comes to the right time for them to give advice to someone else for a problem or situation that other person is facing. What they don’t understand is that not everyone wants or needs it at the time they’re offering it. And in too many cases, the only person who ends up feeling better after it’s given, is just the person who gave the advice to start with.
A fact that many advice givers frequently overlook is that all too often they’re giving advice for situations they don’t really know much about at all. For three years now, I have endured many people who have given me their two cents on how I should be handling the pain I’m going through. Usually that occurs when I’m having a particularly difficult day with it and I’m wearing a long face because of it. In those moments, I’m generally asked by at least one person why I’m so down. After telling them, I always start to cringe when they begin to say the words such as “Have you tried…”, “Have you looked into…” or “Have you thought about…” That’s only because what follows after those words is a suggestion of something I’ve already tried. They failed to realize my full situation and the amount of paths from A to Z I’ve already attempted to find healing. So the result of their advice only ends up being more frustration for me and possibly greater feelings of hopelessness.
There’s also the other case of those advice givers who find it’s relatively easy to offer their opinions for a situation they’re not currently facing. But look what happens to them when the shoe is put on the other foot and now they’re in that same exact situation themselves? Isn’t it ironic that they have trouble at that point taking their own advice? It’s then they find out their own car they’re driving has its blind spots just like that person had who they were trying to hammer their advice into for the same problem.
In my spiritual walk, I have learned there are two principles that make for a much better way to approach those moments where advice might be given. The first is that a person gives advice only when they are asked for it. And the second is that advice is to be given only when it can be properly received. I have battled with adhering to both of these principles throughout my life and have seen the damage that my advice can cause another person when I don’t follow these guidelines. Most of the time that has happened is when I gave my advice to someone who hadn’t been asking for it or when they’re weren’t in a place to fully grasp and understand my suggestions.
This makes me think of someone I’ve tried again and again to help see how bad of a relationship they’re currently in. Often my advice giving process to them has started out because they were in despair about some aspect of their relationship. I often took that as a sign that I needed to intervene. But what I failed to see each time was that my attempts to jam my advice and opinions down their throat was no better than how their bad relationship was being to them already. While all they were wanting was someone to listen to them, they were getting instead some two bit advice that did nothing more for them except to make them angry, become silent, or respond with “I know, I know!” in frustration. I’ve come to learn that the best thing I could be doing in each of these situations is to instead be an open ear that listens to them and a shoulder to cry on. Doing either is an example of unconditional love and each are way more powerful than what any piece of advice can do for the other person. In the case of any friend who has been in a bad relationship, offering them constant love could lead to them becoming open to your advice and asking for it, or it could end up being the sole reason why they eventually leave that bad relationship.
So the next time you find yourself observing anyone else’s difficulties in life, such as a bad relationship, health issues, or anything else, before you start giving them advice, try to remember two things. One, you might not know everything about their situation and what they’ve already gone through with it. And two, you definitely aren’t living in their shoes so you can’t surely know what their blind spots are preventing them from seeing in their problem. If you should choose to proceed forward anyway by offering them your unsolicited advice, you may end up hurting them instead of helping.
Thus, the best advice you can give is initially no advice at all. Instead, take a moment, breathe, and just be there for that person by offering them your unconditional acts of love such as an ear to listen to, a shoulder to cry on, or a warm embrace. You may find in doing so that they become more open to asking for your advice, or quite possibly, it may be exactly all they ever needed to help them see a solution to their problem all on their own.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson