If you have read any of my previous postings, then you are probably already somewhat familiar with the term “dry drunk” by now as I’ve used it to describe how I was during most of the early years of my sobriety.
To put it quite simply, the best broad definition of a “dry drunk” is someone who is no longer active in their addiction, but still has their addict state of mind. Unfortunately, that actually happens quite a bit to many people and it usually starts at the very beginning of one’s sobriety from whatever their addiction was, just like it did for me.
The first day I was ever able to draw a sober breath was on June 11th, 1995. On that day, I no longer had any alcohol or drugs that were numbing my mind and body and suppressing all those demons that lived within me. Some of those demons included my dysfunctional childhood, my alcoholic parents, my insecurities, my sexuality, and being molested. At the time I faced several choices on how to deal with all those demons. One of those choices would have led me back to using alcohol and drugs to continue numbing me. A second choice was to to get a good therapist. And a third one was to go into the 12 Step recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Right away, I eliminated the first choice because I knew the depths of despair that it had caused me. For awhile, I chose the second choice which helped me to get comfortable with my new found sobriety and sexuality. But as for that third one, I went a few times to some meetings where I judged what I saw and heard and decided it wasn’t for me. That’s when my path of “sodriety”, as I fondly nickname it now, began, and where I started to become that dry drunk.
Discovering alcohol and drugs was a miracle in my brain because they were a magic elixir that I used to make those demons disappear for awhile. Through all those active years of using those elixirs, I developed many glaring character defects that only compounded my disease of addiction. Those character defects were front and center the day I drew my first sober breath and what I never understood back then was how AA and the 12 Steps could have helped me to remove them. As my sober years passed by one by one, each of those character defects grew worse and worse and I developed even more of them.
If you took a snapshot of me during the five years I drank and drugged, and then took another of me five years into my sobriety, you would be able to see how my character defects looked very similar. In the first snapshot of my active days of alcohol and drug addiction, you would notice I was lying, cheating, manipulating, and guilt tripping my way through life. In the second snapshot where I was five years sober, you would notice not much had changed with any of those negative behaviors.
The sad reality for someone who ends up on a path of being that dry drunk and does not find help through some combination of therapy, 12 Step recovery, and a Higher Power is that it’s as much of a dead-end as it was when they were active in their addiction. It took me somewhere between 12 and 16 years of sobriety to fully realize this. Ironically, I hurt more people and caused more damage as a dry drunk then during the days I actively drank and drugged my life away. This is an unfortunate truth for someone who becomes that dry drunk. It’s common for a dry drunk to either find other new addictions to continue numbing themselves from those demons, or to relapse altogether back into their former addiction. Thankfully, I never had the latter happen but the former was definitely true for me.
I just couldn’t face my demons or my character defects so I used combinations of sex and love, codependency, gambling, shopping, caffeine, and geographical cures to continue eluding them. Sadly, some people will choose to stay as a dry drunk the rest of their lives. For those that do, they usually become just as miserable, if not much worse, in that state than when they were active with their addiction. Often, those people will discover that nothing ever seems to bring them peace, happiness, and joy. And if you think about that for a moment, isn’t that no different than how a person feels when they are active in their addiction?
Today, I can safely say that I have fully realized this principle and have moved very far away from the state of being a dry drunk. I’m extremely active in my 12 Step recovery now and even more active in my quest to grow closer to my Higher Power. Most of my demons and characters defects have been completely removed and for those that are remaining, they are on their way out as well. While there are many paths out there that can help both the active or dry drunk find healing, I have found that those 12 Step recovery programs were enough for me. They led me to facing all of those things I used so many addictions to numb myself from, and they helped me as well to find my Higher Power who has been in the process of removing them all.
There is a bottom line I have wanted to get across to you with all of this on what a dry drunk is…
Just know that becoming a dry drunk will do nothing more than eventually lead a person to even greater depths of despair then all their days combined when they were active in their addiction(s). Hopefully knowing that, it’s enough to deter anyone from ever ending up that way.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson