There is an illusion out there in this world that too many people are falling under and it’s one that does the exact opposite effect of what is intended by it. That illusion is the idea that using criticism is a great motivational tool to helping someone become greater at what they’re doing in life.
Question – Do you know what the quickest way is to motivate someone to become better at what they’re doing in life?
Answer – Praise them…
Question – Do you know what the quickest way is to undermine someone’s motivation to become better at what they’re doing in life?
Answer – Criticize them…
My first real experience with this illusion was back in my competitive swimming days. I used to swim for miles and miles everyday and I was pretty good at it. And there was a time that I really enjoyed this sport where I had great potential to excel to elite levels. Around the turn of my age into teenager years, I was attempting to qualify for the New York State swimming championships at a very large swim meet. During a particular race there, in one of my best events, I narrowly missed the qualifying time to reach those state championships. As my mother gave me my towel to dry off once I got out of the pool, she told me I didn’t kick hard enough. What she didn’t know is that from then on, I began to stop caring about swimming. Instead of me trying harder and kicking harder as she indicated, I tried less and kicked less until I eventually quit the sport altogether a few years later.
What could have worked much better in motivating me back then when I stepped out of that pool was some praise from my mother. Here are just a few examples of what that might have looked like…
“You did a great job!”
“You did really well!”
“I’m so proud of you!”
“That was really amazing!”
To this day, I’ve never gone back to this sport other than for recreation. Although I’ve forgiven my mother long ago for what she said, she never did quite learn that praising me could have achieved everything she wanted for me with that sport and with many other things as well. Instead, her criticism caused me to second guess my talent, especially when I was already trying so hard to do well in the sport.
Throughout my life, I have also been on the receiving end of this illusion with many friends, partners, and bosses. When addictions used to run my life, friends criticized me by pointing out all of my bad behaviors. This only drove me into my addictions and acting out those behaviors even more. When I tried to help my now ex-partner run the bed and breakfast I once owned, he criticized almost every one of my attempts by pointing out something I was doing wrong. All that ended up doing was making me despise the business and losing interest in seeing it succeed. At each of the corporate jobs I held, I always did my best to put a stamp of perfection into all of my work. Unfortunately, I had a few bosses here and there who often overlooked that and instead commented on the few mistakes I might have made in my work. The result there was no different than my bed and breakfast experience in that I began to resent the job and stopped putting forth as much effort.
If you haven’t fully grasped this illusion yet, here’s a final example that will hopefully help you. I’m going to put my day to day entries in this blog on the line now to help you truly understand the difference between what praise achieves and what criticism does.
If you decided one day to leave me a comment on my blog and said that my words and stories were rather dull, boring, and uninspiring, do you think that would motivate me into writing any better? It wouldn’t. It would strike at my heart and affect my insecurity. In fact, all it would do is make me question whether I should continue writing at all.
But if you decided one day to leave me a comment on my blog and said you really have been enjoying reading my words and stories and that some have even been inspiring to you, do you think that would motivate me into writing any better? It would and actually, it has. The fact of the matter is that I have already received many written comments, as well as some even face to face, by those who have felt this way. This has led me to an even greater passion and desire to write.
I know some out there may be thinking, “What about constructive criticism?” The reality is that most people in this world are sensitive and criticism of any type is just that, CRITICISM. So whatever the type of criticism, even if it’s intended effect is to help a person grow, it usually comes away differently where it does nothing more than strike a person down or demotivate them.
My point here is very simple. You want to motivate someone to do better or become better with something they’re doing in their life? Try praising them and do it sincerely. And if you must offer guidance to them on any level, try praising them first and then use words that are non judgmental second. You’ll find in doing so that the person will often become motivated to doing whatever it is even better the next time they do it. But if you want to create resentments, raise insecurities, and decrease productivity, then start criticizing someone as that’s all criticism will achieve. Praise is a lot like God’s unconditional love and criticism is a lot like all the darkness that exists in this world. Maybe if everyone just starts praising each other a lot more, instead of criticizing, this world might become a much brighter and more loving place to live in.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson