An interesting thing I’ve learned from being in intimate relationships over the years is that I once lived in a constant pattern of chasing after someone and then running away from them once I knew I had caught them. Within this constant pattern was a set of unhealthy behaviors that consisted of me doing nothing more than continuously pushing the person away that I loved and then pulling them back over and over again.
For the longest time, I liked the chase of trying to court a new person and develop an intimate relationship with them, much more so than the long-term relationship part which came later. I really enjoyed meeting someone new and giving them all that gushiness and touchy-feely stuff while trying to sweep them off their feet. I was quite fond of all that romance, candles, special dinners for two and all those other things that come when one is courting another. But unfortunately, when a day came where it appeared I had finally caught the other person, where they began to show how much they loved me unconditionally, I had the tendency to run in the opposite direction.
I started noticing this pattern primarily in my previous relationship to the one I’m in now. It commenced in the same way all my others had begun by me showering a man I was chasing after with much love and affection. Initially he played hard to get and I got a high off of each moment he succumbed to my romantic advances. This, by the way, is what I am referring to when I speak of that pulling behavior and I continued it until the day came when he began to express all that same gushiness and touchy-feely stuff back at me on a regular basis. It was then that I started feeling extremely uncomfortable and no longer had the desire to pull him in closer to me. Instead, I felt like doing the exact opposite, so I began pushing him back and running away.
What I mean by pushing him back and running away is that I stopped doing all those things that led to that man falling in love with me in the first place. Instead of sitting next to him on a couch and holding hands while watching television or movies, I’d sit on the floor or in another chair on the other side of the room. I stopped winking at him at all those odd moments I used to do and didn’t stare at him with those longingly gazes anymore either. I no longer wanted to cuddle real close in bed during any part of the night and instead started keeping my space. All in all, I essentially started halting all of my romantic courting behaviors and began to feel irritated at each of his loving advances. I’d tell him that I was feeling smothered and needed some space, which of course led to many arguments. During them, I projected my own fears and insecurities onto him until he got so frustrated he began to pull away. At that precise moment, when he created more distance, the chase was back on and I started trying to pull him back in again.
Round and round this went until I finally realized just how crazy this behavior was. After much therapeutic work surrounding this, I discovered I really didn’t know how to be on the receiving end of unconditional love. In each of my intimate relationships, I had no problem chasing after another man, showering them with affection, and doing my best to love them unconditionally. But as soon as they became smitten with me and started loving me the same in return, I would freak out. The biggest discovery though was the realization that all of that chasing and running away and pushing and pulling stemmed back to me being molested around the age of 12.
Sadly, my being molested became the first intimate experience I had with anyone in life. While I had been attracted to that adult male in his 40’s prior to his molestation of me, the ramifications of that experience led me to not being able to receive unconditional love. You see, that man did not truly love me. He was a sick man who used me and it established a pattern that created an extremely uncomfortable feeling within me anytime someone who truly loved me, started being touchy-feely and giving me all that gushiness. Those things did nothing more then trigger the pain I got from being molested.
So as I grew older, I went from relationship to relationship chasing after men I was attracted to. I’d shower them with my love and affection and did everything I could to pull them in. But as soon as they began loving me deeply, I started to run away by pushing them back on a daily basis. And all of that was due to never healing from that molestation because each man that tried to love me only reminded me of that molester when they touched me even though they weren’t that sick man.
Thankfully, my Higher Power has helped me to find the healing I needed to work through all of this. I learned I had to walk through those fears of intimacy by allowing a loving partner to do things such as touch me, hold me, cuddle with me, clasp my hand within his, and gaze at me longingly, even when I wanted to run away. The more I forced myself through those uncomfortable moments, the easier it became to allowing them to happen. And the more I allowed them to happen, the more I became able to receive unconditional love. And the more I became able to receive unconditional love, the more I stopped wanting to push and pull or chase and run away from that loving partner. And the more I stopped wanting to push and pull or chase and run away from a loving partner, the more I actually became happy in being in a long-term relationship.
So if you happen to be someone like I once was, who likes the chase but runs away after you catch the person or who does a lot of pushing and pulling to the person you love, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and realize you probably don’t know how to truly receive unconditional love or deep intimacy. If you really want to have a long-lasting relationship, you’ll need to start walking through any fear that arises during intimate moments coming from your partner. You will find in doing so, that it will get easier and easier, until you no longer are afraid of receiving the love you so deserve…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
