One of the first things I generally hear from those who hold an anti-homosexual stance in life is that it’s a choice people make to be gay. Sadly, there is a world of ignorance surrounding this stance.
First and foremost, it’s important to note that there are some people out there in this world who are truly bi-sexual. For them it really can be a choice on which sex they choose to be with. I must admit that if I were bi-sexual, I would probably choose to be with a woman because of the wide prejudice that still exists toward gay people.
Secondly, I also need to state that there are some individuals who do engage in homosexual relationships and behaviors because of deep-seated mental and emotional issues and traumas. I have seen this especially with those who have endured incest, molestation, and rape during there adolescent years. I once knew of a man who was extremely attracted to women, except a priest molested him very early on in life. While he did his best to maintain his marriage and raise a family of several children, a part of him continued to relive that molestation by re-creating the same experience with other men secretly throughout life. But there are plenty of other individuals in this world who are just like me, that were born with an attraction to the same sex and where it’s actually not a choice.
The earliest memory I have of my homosexuality was when I was walking around my Kindergarten class at five years old and shouting “I love boys” over and over again. While I can’t remember for the love of God why I was motivated to do that, I can still clearly see myself doing it. Not too long after that, in third grade, I remember a time when another class came into my own to watch a presentation. During it, I stared at another boy from that class almost the entire time. By the time I hit the fifth grade, I had met my father’s best friend whom he played racquetball with regularly. During the summers, we attended pool parties at his house and I found myself on one of those occasions changing in the same room as him. While I remember looking at him and being nervous he would catch me staring, I really didn’t want to look away.
Eventually, I hit puberty and began to pay even more attention to the guys I found attractive. I did my best to fit in with everyone else though because I saw in society that a man was supposed to be with a woman. So I began doing just that by causally going out on a movie date with a girl my own age. Unbeknownst to her, I was more interested though in spending time with an adult male diving coach on my swim team. I spent many occasions after practice talking to and admiring him. Unfortunately, the same man took advantage of me one day when we were alone by molesting me. This regrettably became my first same sex experience which did nothing but drive me further into the closet with an unhealthy idea of what intimacy was all about.
After an unsuccessful attempt to come out to my parents towards the end of high school, I went on to date many other women because that is what I was told I was supposed to do. I forced myself to be intimate with women and never felt much of a connection with any of them. In many ways, the sexual intimacy I had with a woman felt no different than when I was molested. It was rather empty and void of any real loving connection. Thankfully, I met someone in college who also was struggling with his sexuality. My relationship with him began to help me see I wasn’t so abnormal.
When I finally got sober from alcohol and drugs, I went into therapy to discuss my sexuality because I wanted to figure out whom I really was inside. I joined a gay bowling league and went to various gay-based social outings and through them I met my first partner. It was then I fully came out of the closet and accepted that my being gay was truly not a choice.
Being gay was something that was a part of me from as early on as I can remember. It was something that I avoided for years and years because of the people in society who held those anti-gay stances. Thankfully, I’m not afraid anymore to be open about my sexuality. I believe that God created me this way, not to maintain a vow of celibacy, but to be with one man who I can love with all my heart, mind, and soul. I accept who I am now and I know it’s not a choice. I’m just grateful I’m able to understand this today.
I want to finish this entry by stating something I’ve come learn from not only myself, but from many other gay people as well. If we truly had a choice in life, why would we want to choose to be gay when there is still so much persecution of us, where we still have to hide who we are more than not, and where we still have to fight to get equal rights? But alas, it’s not a choice; it’s just who we are and how God made us. I’m thankful I can accept that today, and I hope someday you will too…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
WOW Thank you from the bottom of my heart. you must have been reading my mind when you were writing this and the the most insightful for me was the part about having sexual relation with a woman and how there was no connection and it was like an act of the molestation just satiating sexual relief. Having been married for 40 years I did have a emotional connection with my wife but during sex I was thinking of being with a man, and one day I shared with my wife all of my feelings trying to tell her I was gay. I told her that as well as all my experiences with men before and after our marriage. She ignored my words and said I was confused from the incest of my childhood and that I was not gay. At this time in my life, only have come out just 4 years ago at age 57 and still trying to understand myself. This has cleared up my feeling and thoughts about living my live as a heterosexual man, that did not work for me as I live in misery emotionally the whole time. Today I am focused on finding true love and acceptance and not just empty emotional sexual hook ups to fulfill my sexual desires. Thank you again Andrew for sharing your life as it has been a blessing to me as the joy peace and love of God fill my life.