I’ve come to accept that the polar opposite of living by ego is a life of humility. But I’ve also come to accept something else when it comes to these two things. Living by ego means living a life of self-will and living a life of humility means devoting one’s life to their Higher Power. Today, I can see the journey I’ve been on to spiritual enlightenment has included the long path I’ve taken to finding a life more based on humility.
During all the years I was a drunk and a drug addict, I wasn’t seeking any spiritual enlightenment and my ego had the best of me. In my mind back then, the world was completely about me and only me. It was then that I lived in total self-will and all of my decisions in life were self-serving on some level. But then the day came when my ego was first seriously bruised in life. That was on June 11th, 1995, when I finally admitted four things to myself.
I was an alcoholic.
I was a drug addict.
I was addicted to cigarettes.
And I was attracted to men.
For a while, admitting those things truly humbled me in life. In fact, it was in admitting them that I began to seek out a Higher Power for the first time in life. But in a very short time, I became comfortable again in my own skin and slowly began to move away from that taste of humility. My ego hadn’t liked feeling the vulnerability that came with being humble, so I allowed it to take over again. Soon I was caught up in other addictions until the day came when I discovered my father had committed suicide.
For three years thereinafter I withdrew into myself and suffered immensely from depression, anxiety and various physical ailments. Because of that, I slowly crawled back to my Higher Power in all that pain and humility just to survive. It eventually led me to feeling better again. But unfortunately it also led me to gradually give control back to my ego. Soon I was light years away again from experiencing any humility and like before, I landed right back in the midst of a life of self-will and addictions because of it. That was until I got a phone call some years later from my sister telling me that my mother had died after a tragic fall down the stairs while drunk.
The humility I’d go on to experience over the next few years after her death was even greater than that of which I felt after my father’s. That’s only because I ended up losing a lot more that that, including my business, a long-term relationship, and the majority of my financial stability. Each of those things humbled me time and time again to my knees. I begged my Higher Power to help me through it all and my Higher Power did. That was at least until I felt completely well again as then I started slowly giving my ego back what it wanted.
Sadly, I went on to follow this pattern of living by ego to living a life of humility over and over again for five more years. It took me developing major physical pains, a stint in a mental hospital and a suicide attempt to see that living by ego never did anything more for me than take me away from my Higher Power and feeling any serenity. When I finally recognized that, I saw something quite interesting. Each time I went back to my ego being in full control, the duration I stayed there became less and less. Thankfully, I’ve discovered a few simple ways to prevent that from happening again.
I share openly to the world now about my entire life, as that seems to help me remain more in a state of humility. The same holds true of me sticking around the meeting rooms, practicing the 12 Steps, and sponsoring others, as each continues to keep me humble doing more of my Higher Power’s will.
While it really was a long and painful path to a life more based on humility, I’m grateful for the warmth my Higher Power gave me each time I returned, as it always was enough to eventually draw me back. I’m grateful I clearly see this now, as I truly never want to leave that warmth again.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
