Have you ever had one of those days where you felt so irritable that you ended up starting arguments with just about everyone you came around? I have because today was definitely one of them and I know I could have handled things so much better than I did. But thankfully I’ve learned in 12 Step Recovery from my addictions that I can begin anew at any time, which is what I’m trying to do right now as I compose this entry.
There was actually a common theme to each of the arguments I started over the course of this off-kilter day. In every case, it was my expectations that weren’t being met with how I wanted people to treat me. The key word I need to pay the most attention to here is “expectations”, as it is they that have always been the thing to lead me into having some serious resentments. While it was my ego’s natural inclination to be upset at the lack of integrity and unconditional love I felt from people today, all of that was based upon expectations I had placed upon everyone.
Normally I’m much better at preventing myself from creating expectations like this these days, but unfortunately, today just wasn’t one of them. Whether that was due to my nightmare-laden and restless sleep from the night before, the high levels of physical pain I had throughout the day, or something else altogether, I can’t say. Regardless, I didn’t disseminate the peace, love, light, and joy today that I usually try to every single day. I’m sure part of that, if not all of it, was due to me not taking a few extra moments to pray and ask for help. For some reason, I carried the burden mostly on my own today and that didn’t pay off too well.
It was clearly a good reminder though of how my days used to be for me when I didn’t allow God to be in charge of much of my life. The result of living that way when I did was no different than the brief taste I got from it today, which was a stomach full of poison in the form of ugly resentments. Having that inside me right now really doesn’t feel good at all and the only way I know how to change that and begin anew is to pray, so here goes nothing…
“Dear God, I took my will back today again and again and again. I placed expectations on people that I honestly can’t say I know all that’s going on within each of them. I became resentful in the process and I know that doesn’t bode well for the spiritual path I’m trying so desperately to remain on. So I ask for Your forgiveness for any pain or harm my words may have brought any of Your children today and I also ask that each of those people forgive me as well. Help me God to be free of any resentments I may have put back within me today. I unconditionally love and forgive myself for falling short of my spiritual ideal today and thank You God for helping me to begin anew once again.”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Well, here’s hoping our conversation wasn’t part of the unmet expectations that so annoyed you. 🙂
Trust me, you are not alone in this. It’s so easy to succumb to my primary addiction – which is to control, and to playing God. When I’m trying to grab control, or I’m playing God (or judge/jury/executioner, depending on one’s spirituality), I’m just setting up expectations for others to fail me.
There were plenty of frustrations today – but it still wasn’t a bad day. Some things have to change in my life; some schedules have to be rearranged, some expectations of being the white-knight will have to be damped. It’s nothing fatal, it’s just *not what I want.* Poor King Baby that I am…. 🙂
I got some gratitude today – having gone past the site of my January car accident three times without incident. Had to leave a meeting early, but I managed to keep my beloved from walking home in the rain. And my cat keeps offering to help me type, which is not speeding the end of my workday, but it is a sign that she likes me (or that the laptop keyboard is warm, not sure which). I’ll say this – I am glad we get to share the road of Happy Destiny these days, even when it can be a bit of a crab-fest.
Just curious, can you say more about the accident that happened? Also, what do you mean by the white-knight?