Codependent withdrawal. I never thought there was such a thing until just recently when I started experiencing it. It makes sense though, because with any addiction, there is a withdrawal process that happens once a separation is made from the substance of the addiction itself.
With codependency, the actual substance is always a person and when a separation is made from that person, whether it’s for a specific period of time or permanent, the mind and body definitely responds in various ways, most of them usually being quite difficult to deal with.
In my case, since the separation occurred with someone very close to me about a week ago who I was overly dependent on, I’ve been going through anxiety, depression, increased sensitivity to those around me, irritability, development of strange physical pains and sensations, heightened fears that I can’t survive without this person, and a bunch of other uncomfortable things as well.
None of it is pleasant that’s for sure, but I know I must go through this, instead of doing what my former self would want to do, which is to find someone else to replace them. Because in doing that, I would only be reengaging myself into the same addiction, suppressing all those withdrawal symptoms, and creating another temporary band-aid until the same process happens down the road. The good thing about withdrawal from any addiction though is that it will end, so long as one does not reengage in the same behavior. And that’s precisely what I’m working to do, as I don’t want to ever go through this again.
Ultimately, I want to become more trusting and reliant on God and the Spirit within me, versus another human being and thus I need to walk through all these uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms to get there. I must admit though that there have been some days where I feel like the world is closing in on me and that I’m not going to make it through this. But I am doing what every 12 Step program tells one to do as they withdrawal from their addiction, and that’s to pray and meditate, asking for guidance from one’s Higher Power.
So I’ve been doing that, A LOT actually. And while my ego continues to plague me, telling me I can’t make it without this person being an active part of my day-to-day life, the fact is I can and will. I know this friend would tell me the very same thing and I believe that on some level, the space they are needing from me is a gift from my Higher Power to finally walk through an aspect of my life that I’ve been unwilling to ever face.
Nevertheless, the bottom line is that codependency is an addiction and there is a withdrawal process that comes along with walking away from it. While it’s never an easy thing to go through, what waits on the other side of it is a far healthier life. Thus as I trudge forward and do my best to accept how scary my life is feeling at the moment, I know that in time, this too shall pass…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson