Mortality. It’s something I’ve really been facing over the past year of my life and something I’ve been having a lot of difficulty with. I’ve noticed my body isn’t bouncing back as quickly anymore with things such as bruises, cuts, and such. I’ve seen wrinkles appear in more and more places. Veins on multiple parts of my body are protruding far greater now. Aging spots are beginning to appear. And scars are showing themselves more prevalently these days, even ones I didn’t even know I had.
Why is this so hard for me?
Well if you noticed, all of the things I just mentioned that are getting to me are superficial, meaning on the outside of me. And that’s exactly why it’s been so hard because I really have been a very vain person for much of my adulthood. I know this is something I’ve written about before and something that continues to challenge me day in and day out. But I felt I needed to write about it again since it’s been bothering me so much as of late.
The truth is, I programmed far too much of my adult life to focus mostly on how good I looked on the outside rather than doing some much-needed spiritual work within. In the last four years though, I’ve truly worked hard on growing my spiritual life, yet the one thing that still seems to elude me is acceptance of what’s happening more and more on the outside as I grow older. In fact, instead of accepting it, I’ve done the exact opposite at times and on some level, you might find it rather comical, especially with the following reference I often compare my behavior to.
Have you ever watched the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding before or seen its sequel that came out recently? There is an older gentleman in both movies who is always using Windex to fix just about everything including even spraying it on his hip to help with his arthritis. In my case, my Windex is actually Tea Tree Oil.
I’ve gone through plenty of vials of this oil in recent years, putting in on everything that appears on my skin that appears to be abnormal in my mind. Always hoping it will remove it as quick as possible. While many times it actually has, there’s also been some not-so-good results as well. I’ve actually burned my skin in a bunch of areas and left permanent blemishes there because of it, which has only propelled my mortality fears even more.
Trying to break this fear of aging and how I look on the outside is proving to be quite challenging that’s for sure. And while I know it might sound ludicrous to you, the fact remains, spending the better part of 20 years thinking the best side of myself was how I looked has created some serious negative programming and impacted how I feel about mortality.
I must say though I have gotten a little better lately with all of this, finding some success with acceptance when things appear on the outside of me that are involved with the aging process. I have placed the Tea Tree Oil in my storage room and have only been accessed it a few times as compared to how I used to access it every single day.
I have to laugh at myself as I continue to write about this because it totally exposes a huge character defect within me that I’m sure at some point down the road I’m going to look back on this and see how silly it was. But for now, I’m working hard on erasing this negative programming and doing what I can to accept my mortality with grace.
I know what’s most important is what’s on the inside and that’s why I’m writing about this. Because I find that the more I get honest with myself in my writing, the more I do the work to spiritually grow and change these parts of me that no longer mesh with what I feel my Higher Power’s calling is for me.
So while I do believe mortality is an important thing to deal with and face as I continue to grow older, I think it’s also something that doesn’t need to involve a lot of stress and worry, especially when it comes to the outer appearance of myself. I know that’s going to take a little more work on my part to fully deprogram all these vanity issues, but at least for now, I’m getting honest with myself and accepting that at least one aspect of mortality doesn’t have to have such power over me…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson