Is it possible to experience a mental blackout from something other than alcohol or drugs? That’s the question I’ve been pondering as of late in my recovery life. Why? Because of things I have not been able to remember at all, which people have been telling me recently we did together during a period of my life where I was heavily engaged in only one addiction, a sex and loved-based one.
First off, I should clarify what a mental blackout is before I proceed any further and it’s probably for the best I describe it in terms of those days when I used to get heavily inebriated. As back then, I’d often drink so much I’d go through periods of time where I was conscious but completely unaware of what I was doing. Each of those times I’d usually wake up in strange places having no idea how I got there or what took place for several hours prior. And sadly, the friends I had during that stage of my life frequently had to fill me in on those things.
Now zoom forward to a long stretch of time that spanned from 1995 to 2012. While I was sober from alcohol and drugs during that entire period, I was still heavily engaged in a sex and love addiction on and off throughout. And although I assumed I was completely aware of everything I did during all those years, I began to wonder if that was true because of things people have attempted to remind me of recently.
Take the other day for example, when I reconnected to a friend on Facebook I hadn’t spoken to in years. During an online conversation, he recollected my time in his hometown (Charlotte) and how he had picked me up at this guy’s house that I had been staying at while there. For the life of me, I wasn’t able to remember this house or the guy who owned it, even though I had supposedly spent several days there. Even worse, there were plenty of other mental blank spots from the trips I took to Charlotte.
Some could say that this is just a sign of aging and how I’m simply beginning to forget moments of my life because I’m getting older. I’d beg to differ though only in that I have a pretty great memory overall these days, much of which often seems to be photographic. And the only difference nowadays is that I’m sober from my former sex and love addiction. In Charlotte, I wasn’t. As there, I “dated”, or sexually pursued being the much better word to describe it, at least five different people at the same time.
Ever since reconnecting with this friend from Charlotte, I put a lot more thought to other moments in my life where my sex and love addiction was quite active. Take for example a trip I took with a guy I was once extremely obsessed with from Massachusetts around 2008. During it, we went to Six Flags Great Adventure and New York City. But here again, I was unable to recall all the rides I rode at the amusement park or what I actually did in New York City.
What’s ironic about all these memory lapses is that the moments I seem to remember the most during the sex and love addicted periods of my life are when I was in the midst of hooking up or attempting to hook up. Yet I’m unable to remember far too many other things that were part of my day-to-day living during that time.
So are these really the same type of mental blackouts then that I experienced from my alcohol and drug addiction? I guess it’s slightly different in that when I got overly drunk I couldn’t remember anything I did, yet when I excessively engaged in my sex and love addiction, I was only totally oblivious to everything going on around me except for the person who was the focus of that addiction.
Thus my conclusion is this. Addictions in general robbed me of many of my life’s fondest memories. Call them mental blackouts, call them memory losses, it really doesn’t matter. The fact is I don’t know if any of them will ever come back to me. But at least I can say this isn’t happening to me anymore, as working my recovery, doing the 12 Steps, and seeking to do only God’s will in life has thankfully changed all that. Now I can truly say that every moment, every memory, and every second of life are very precious to me and I want to remember them all. And I think I stand a pretty good chance of doing that, so long as I remain free from all addictions…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson