When an addiction takes over someone’s life, it’s quite normal for them to completely forget their actions and behaviors while in the throngs of the disease and even long after they find recovery as well. I was reminded of this when my sister visited me a week ago and the topic of my mother’s passing arose.
As we were reflecting on the many difficult things we went through after our mother’s tragic passing, my sister suddenly laughed and said “I still can’t believe you kept hitting on that funeral director while we were trying to discuss all the arrangements for her burial.” I then looked at her strangely and said “I have no idea what you’re talking about?” She then told me I had spent the entire time sitting in this funeral director’s office attempting to get his phone number for the sole purpose of hooking up, instead of grieving my Mom’s passing and focusing on how we wanted him to handle her remains. But even worse, my sister also reminded me that this funeral director had been a married man and how it seemed as if that hadn’t mattered to me whatsoever.
Sadly, this is probably just one of many addiction-based incidents I either vaguely remember or don’t remember at all from life. And to be totally honest, the only reason why I wasn’t able to recollect this specific acting out incident was because of how deep I was living in the disease back then. You see, when someone is that deep in an addiction, there is an illness that pervades every facet of their life that all too often causes the person to become completely unaware of any of their actions and behaviors. It’s almost as if the person’s mind gets shut off from recording any of their sick acting out experiences. Maybe that’s because it doesn’t want to take ownership and instead live in total denial? Whatever the reason why the mind often forgets to record the details of an addiction-based incident, the fact remains it’s but one of the many consequences that can arise from living deep in an addiction.
Ultimately, this is precisely why I keep on thanking God every day for being clean and sober from all of the addictions I once suffered from. I’m so grateful that I can clearly see now how insane of a life I had when yet another addiction was fully consuming my life. And I pray somehow that me continuing to share stories like this will help others who may be living deep in an addiction themselves. Maybe it will help them to wake up and realize the consequences of doing so are often heartbreaking and painful, just like it was for me in being totally unable to remember an entire afternoon from my life that was meant to be a time of grieving and instead became a time of living in total sickness…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson