Silly Joke #1
A husband and wife (married some time) are driving down the road when the wife screams at her husband, “Slow down, the speed limit is 35!”. The husband screams back, “I’m not speeding”. Several minutes later the wife screams out again, “You just ran a red light!”. The husband (getting more angry) yells back, “The light was yellow, not red. Don’t tell me how to drive!”.
A few minutes later, the police stop the couple. The officer informs the husband that he was stopped for speeding. The wife exclaims “I told you that you were speeding”. The husband then tells her (under his breath) to “Shut up”, and is getting angrier by the minute. The officer asks the husband if he is aware that he also ran a red light. The wife then says “I told you the light was red!”. The husband then screams (even louder) at his wife to shut up again.
The officer then (concerned for the wife’s safety) asks the wife if her husband always treats her this way. She then tells the officer, “No, he only acts like this when he is drunk!”.
Silly Joke #2
Two dudes roll up to a sobriety check point, Budweisers between their legs. They’re plastered, and stand no chance of getting past without getting busted.
They roll up to the cops, the cop peers in, and sees both of them with soggy Bud labels on their foreheads, grinning.
“You two been drinking?”
They smile. “No officer, we’re on the patch!”
Silly Joke #3
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson