You know what’s often a common misbelief in a committed relationship for at least one partner? That if only their other half would just change “that one thing” about themselves, that all would be well. But, you know what? The problem isn’t with their other half at all, it’s with themselves.
I should know, as I used to jump from relationship to relationship to relationship because of constantly buying into that misbelief. Truth be told, a psychic once told someone I used to date and am now close friends with, that I was like that person who enjoys trying on a different pair of shoes on a regular basis, which up until six years ago, was totally spot on.
Every time I ever faced something in a relationship that really bothered me with the person I was dating, I’d try to control the situation by constantly pushing for them to change that aspect about themselves I didn’t like. I was always 100% convinced that if they just fixed “that one thing” I didn’t like, that our relationship would be golden. But, even if they did end up changing that aspect of themselves that bothered me, another one would always pop up just behind it. And if they didn’t change it? Well, I’d simply end up facing the same situation at some point down the road with someone else I left them for.
The fact is, the problem was never with any of the people I dated whatsoever, it was with me. Rather, it was within me. To be even more specific, it was in relation to a spiritual imbalance going on within me that I was totally unaware of. And because I was totally unaware of that spiritual imbalance, I frequently found myself getting angry at those I was dating, over some aspect of themselves that I generally projected as the source of all my pain and discomfort.
Regrettably, for as much as I thought I fully rectified this part of myself a number of years ago, I’ve seen it coming back to life again over the past year or so, during a period where I’ve struggled to feel the presence, grace, and comfort of God. Now, I find myself doing the same behavior all over again that I used to do in each of my previous relationships. That being me growing irritated at my partner over one or more aspects of himself that my ego keeps attempting to convince me is the source of all my agony in life. Yet I know it’s not.
I know the source of all my agony isn’t because my partner struggles to show non-sexual forms of intimacy, i.e. cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc.
I also know the source of all my agony isn’t because my partner struggles lately to see the positive more than the negative.
And I know the source of all my agony isn’t due to my partner’s struggles with his weight issues either.
The reality is that he could fix each of these things and my ego would still find something else to point out as the problem, because the last thing it wants to admit is the problem is actually me.
But don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see my partner still change these aspects of himself one day, as I’m sure anyone probably would if their other half was struggling with them. Yet regardless of whether he ever does or doesn’t, he’s still a pretty amazing guy with a pretty amazing heart of gold and someone who isn’t ultimately the source of all that emptiness and loneliness I feel within.
I know the source of that is God, or rather, the lack of me feeling God’s presence no matter what I try to do to feel it. So, as I continue to sit in all this emptiness and loneliness, I have to battle my ego every day by doing my best to offer unconditional love and light to my partner, no matter what it tries to convince me of. Unfortunately, I’ve failed many times over with this, especially in the past year or so, where I’ve often gotten caught up in arguments over one or all of these aspects of himself that my ego is bothered by. Thankfully though, I continue to find my way back to the truth again and again by continuing to remind myself of something I already learned many years ago. That being that the solution to all my pain and discomfort isn’t in my partner changing anything about himself at all, nor is it in me leaving this relationship to find someone else to be with.
Rather, the solution is to keep working on myself, on ridding myself of ego and unwanted character defects, and maintaining a level of trust and faith that God hasn’t left me, even if I can’t feel Him right now. I find that the more I stick to this, the more I see my partner through eyes of unconditional love and light, and the less I see him through eyes that buy into the misbelief that he needs to change “that one thing” or anything for that matter for all to be well…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson