“Man says, ‘Show me, and I’ll trust you.’ God says, ‘Trust me and I’ll show you.’” (Jeanette Zahler)
Haven’t we all at some point wanted that burning bush type of experience to prove that God exists? Well I sure have, especially as of late, given how great my pain and suffering has become. I mean, who wouldn’t want to walk by a bush suddenly and see it burst into flames, and then abruptly hear a calming voice that brings a level of peace and knowingness within them that has probably never been felt whatsoever in their waking life?
While I’ve never heard of anyone having this type of experience as of yet, I can say I’ve felt the presence of God in other ways in my past and when it’s happened, I really have felt a level of peace that’s hard to describe. And man, would I love to feel something like that these days. It’s been more than a year now without any real sense of connection to God, which has left me feeling a vast emptiness deep within and an ache I wish I could make go away.
I continue to want God to show up in some way, shape, or form in my life, just to reassure me that He’s still there and that everything is going to be ok, because I feel so afraid of what’s going on within me now. But is that true faith? As I’ve read that having true faith is trusting in God, even in the absence of all signs of His presence. The reality is that what I used to call faith was relatively conditional. You see, I used to have what I thought was faith when signs kept coming my way, when life felt grand, when my health didn’t feel upside down, when money was coming in, and when my biggest worries were pretty trivial in nature.
But, ever since my suffering has become as intense as it has, when it went from days, to weeks, to months, and then to years, when communication from God fell silent and all attempts to reach Him have gone unanswered, that great faith I thought I had was nowhere to be found. Believe me, I’d love to have some miraculous sign occur in my life right now to prove that God is still with me, but I know to have a deeper faith, one that is unshakeable, no matter what my circumstances, I must keep on believing, even when everything points to believing otherwise.
Ultimately, I think it comes down to fully trusting God, EVEN when life feels like it’s at its darkest, EVEN when all signs of God’s presence have seemingly disappeared, and EVEN when suffering feels like it’s at its greatest, because maybe it’s in those moments where true faith blossoms and when the true face of God can appear and be appreciated at one’s very core.
Dear God, my faith has wavered quite a bit as of late. With life often feeling so very dark for me, I’ve questioned Your very existence. I pray that You may help me keep the faith in You, even in these darkest of moments, so that when You bring me out of it once and for all and back into the Light, I may never question Your presence again.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson