There has been a repeating lesson in my life lately, one that has been extremely difficult to learn. It continues to manifest in different ways, but the message is quite clear. I need to fully let go and let God, and for someone who has spent their entire life trying to control everything, I find myself struggling to give up the last bit of perceived control I think I still have.
I began to notice this with my yard actually. It got a bad disease this summer, a fungus, that essentially started back in late May when the high temperatures first hit here in Toledo. When they did, I observed one morning this cotton candy looking substance in a certain area of my backyard and wondered what it was. The next day, the same area where it was had turned brown and the grass had died. As the days moved forward, I saw this fungus pop up in other areas, so I began to spray various things on it, hoping it would prevent it from spreading any further. Unfortunately, none of my efforts worked, so I called in the cavalry, that being a yard company that does my fertilization bi-monthly treatments. They proceeded to apply a fungicide, not once, not twice, not even three times, but four in total, as it kept coming back, and spreading even more throughout my yard, killing everything in its wake and leaving a wasteland of brown dead grass in the process. I tried everything after that to restore my yard. I planted seed, I aerated, I watered, but anything that came up kept dying off, even when the summer came to an end. Sadly, the disease travelled into my front yard as well along the way and none of my efforts there accomplished anything either. When my neighbor told me one day as he observed my frantic efforts at controlling it, that I should just trust mother nature and let go and let God, I almost hurled a few obscenities his way in frustration. When the fall season began, much of my yard started to return to its former glory, until a few days ago when the temperatures spiked to the mid 80’s, bringing the disease back all over again and with it, the death of parts of my yard once more. At that point, it became overly clear that I wasn’t going to be able to control this and that it was out of my hands. Ironically, not a single house on my street, or even in my subdivision got this disease this year, which left me wondering, if maybe I was the only one meant to experience this, simply to learn this lesson of letting go and letting God, once and for all.
You see, this yard thing has been just another example of something I feel the Universe has continued to try to show me, of my remaining attempts to take control to make things as I think they need to be. Take my health for example, which is at the top of this pile. I have been fighting my health issues for a very long time now and have done everything I can to restore my health by staying as active as I can, through holistic treatments, by eating well, by getting out and helping others, and by repeating various spiritual and energy routines every single day. Yet, none of that has improved my health whatsoever at this point in time, at least from my conscious perspective, causing me to throw my hands up in the air and question if God even exists, which has only led to my ego searching for any further ways to grasp some control back.
But, it’s become pretty clear, if not abundantly clear, to me now. I can’t control my yard, my health, or my partner, or anyone or anything for that matter. As all attempts to do so seem to be failing these days, making me even more miserable in the process. Most recently, I have had a few skin issues going on to prove it, as I have put one topical thing after another in affected areas, only to see the spots go away and come back shortly thereafter in the very same spot or just above it, almost as if it was mocking me and saying, “Hey Andrew, don’t you get it yet? You need to just let this and everything else go as well, and trust that God’s got it under control!”
But, for a guy like me, who was abandoned by his parents through their tragic lives and deaths, and for a guy who used addictions to make his way in this world for several decades, control has been my only means for survival for much of my life. Thus, truly trusting God has got my back and that it’s safe to fully let go of control of ALL things to Him, has been an exceptionally scary thing.
I need to do it though, and I’m praying for the strength to do so on a daily basis now and am asking for all of you to pray for that for me as well. I’m ready to move into a new phase of my life, one that fully does let go and trust God with everything including my yard, my health, my partner, and anything else that my ego thinks it needs to exert control over.
So, please pray for me. Pray for the release of my fear of letting go of any areas of control I still have left in my life. Pray for me to truly trust in the Lord, and pray that it comes soon, because I know what’s on the other side of this is a peace and joy that is going to be far better than the misery that’s been with me for far too long, all because I haven’t fully let go and let God…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson