Have you ever wished you could take back something you said? I’m quite positive every single human being could say yes to that question. Sadly, I’ve been guilty of it far too many times in my life and just recently in fact, when I verbally shamed my partner over him misplacing his cell phone.
My partner has misplaced his cell phone a few times since we’ve been together. He and I are quite the opposite when it comes to things like this. Remembering where things are after they get misplaced is something I seem to fare better with than he. Yet, he has many strengths in areas I don’t. Unfortunately, the ego tends to overlook that in the heat of a moment, which it did in my case when we had just walked into a Starbucks one afternoon where he said he had left his cell phone in the cupholder at the movie theater we had left 20 minutes prior. But, rather than offer unconditional love and support, knowing if that had happened to me I would have been concerned and upset about it, I instead let my ego get the best of me, mostly because it had just happened a few weeks prior in the very same way. Yet, that doesn’t excuse my behavior, which wasn’t loving and supportive at all. Because for the entire ride back to the theater and even after he had safely retrieved his cell phone, I verbally shamed him over and over again about being absent-minded.
It didn’t take long though for my Spirit to show me how low-vibrational my words and actions were. Unfortunately, it was all after the fact and any damage was already done. This is something that has often presented itself as a major character defect still present in my life. I’ve had to work quite hard to not go “off-the-cuff”, as I used to do it all the time in my last relationship.
It’s been a few weeks now since this incident, yet the pain of my words and actions still plague me from within. While I’ve forgiven myself and also asked my partner for forgiveness, I have clearly seen I have more work to do in this area. Because just a few weeks ago as well, when my partner did a weigh-in for his Weight Watchers program and told me he gained a few pounds for the second week in a row, instead of uplifting him and saying something like “I’m sure you’ll do better next time and I love you just the same”, I proceeded to do the very same verbal shame and criticism.
I’m not happy about this behavior on any level, but am definitely trying not to beat myself up, yet I really do wish sometimes that I had access to a time machine that could rewind to all these moments where I fall prey to my ego and say things that aren’t true to my heart, that I always see for the real truth in them, after the fact.
A misplaced cell phone is NO WHERE near as important as my partner or my love for him. Neither is a few pounds of weight gain or any other number of things I’ve said over the years in the heat of the moment to him and others for that matter, that I wish I could take back.
Regrettably, I don’t live in a world yet where time can be rewound to fix moments where my ego gets the best of me, where I’ve said things I truly don’t mean in my heart of hearts. In light of that, I know the only action I can really take from here on out is to keep working on overcoming my ego’s urge to react in those heats of the moment.
So, probably the best advice I can give myself and anyone else who suffers from this very same character defect is this. The next time it starts to happen, take a slow and long breath and then ask God to help in that moment realize that deep down below any ego-perceived mistake is a person we probably truly love and profoundly care about, more than any silly misplaced phone, more than any weight gain, and more than anything our ego thinks is important, because it probably isn’t when push comes to shove…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson