Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.¬†After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!” Pointing to the sky, he continues, “God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.” The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!” The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, “And look at this! Here’s another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.” The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, “Aren’t you having any, Rabbi?” The rabbi replies, “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Silly Joke #2

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are all these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.”I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.” “Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it!” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m sure glad I quit drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now!”

Silly Joke #3

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in a skimpy outfit and a pair of Nike running shoes with a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing an even skimpier outfit, Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me you can have me’. Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So, for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-pound program. ‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone… ‘This is our most rigorous program.’ ‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’ The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing the tightest, smaller shorts he had ever seen, brightly colored running shoes, and a sign around his neck that reads, ‘If I catch you, you’re all mine.’ Wouldn’t you know he lost 63 pounds that week!

Bonus Silly Joke

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand. The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing. So the bartender asks the guy, “Hey man, I hope you don’t mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?” So the man says, “I have to get my date drunk…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson