Three times I began writing this article for today and three times I realized it was something I’ve already written about sometime in the past. With 2,225 entries thus far, over six years of writing, and not missing a single day ever since this blog’s inception, I find myself now facing a writing dilemma, as I’m beginning to feel like I’ve run out of things to say and am questioning where to go with it from here.
All of this began back on January 14th, 2013 when I posted my very first blog, which was nothing more than basically a “Hello World” type of entry. Ever since, I’ve written about everything in my life, fully exposing every single facet of myself, sometimes to the point where I even surprised myself at how open and honest I was being.
With all the gossipy judgments and criticism that seem to be plaguing our world these days, it’s probably a good thing that neither my blog, nor I, have gained any type of notoriety over the years. The general public would most likely have a field day with me and find plenty of things to crucify me with from my past. Believe me when I say I definitely have a tainted past, yet one I’ve still fully laid out for the rest of the world to see nonetheless.
I know I have some loyal readers who have stuck by my side ever since the beginning and I’m very thankful for them. Frankly, sometimes I think I continue to write solely because of them. At the same time though, I also think about not wanting to bore any of them either with yet another article about something they’ve probably read about time and time again.
Honestly, I wish somehow my life would move out of this pause mode that God seems to have me still on. I’ve been waiting on God for so long now for guidance and direction with my life that I’ve forgotten what having any type of normal life feels like.
My health issues have kept me in this pause mode, and left me writing about a lot of the same subjects, with me often repeating many of my same viewpoints, which is most likely the very reason why I don’t garner much in the line of increasing readership.
I’m quite sure my spiritual teacher would gently remind me though that I’m not writing for any of them, that I’m writing for myself, and that even having one reader is a gift in itself. But, truthfully, I’m bored with writing anyway, because I don’t have hardly anything new happening in my life anymore to muse about.
My health issues have kept me mostly sidelined from achieving any of my dreams, aspirations, goals, and the like and all of my prayers surrounding them and my health have been answered by God with mostly silence. And so, I’ve waited. I’ve waited on God and in the process, written about the same things again and again and again, and now I find myself struggling to keep on doing it.
I truly wish that God would end my long-standing health crisis, so that I had enough energy to take on some new tasks in life, tasks that I know would absolutely lead to plenty of more things to write about. Yet, “be still” is the only thing that continues to present itself to me, as anytime I’ve attempted to control this process or my life, has been met with dire results.
So, yes, I’m facing a dilemma with my writing, with this blog, and with my life in general. As I struggle to even make it through most of the basic of life’s tasks nowadays, I continue to write, but with ever depleting hope. I’ve never faced such a long dark night of my soul, one that seems to never have any end in sight. Yet, I still faithfully wait upon God for dawn to come, for the sun to rise within me again, for joy to return, and for His promise to be made true, as I know when it does, that an endless inspiration to write will return…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson