Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to this week’s Grateful Heart Monday, a day where I reflect on a special piece of gratitude from my life, which for today is with how money doesn’t control me like it once did, something I saw quite clearly on a trip to a local casino recently.

My family wasn’t poor or rich by any means growing up. We were very comfortable though and never went without. I got to go on some pretty cool vacations and was flying on planes for them from a very early age. I got to dine out at some seriously classy restaurants before I could even appreciate them. And I often received presents that kids could only dream about. Basically, I grew up with a family that had enough money to afford some nicer things in life.

When I ventured out on my own after college though and landed my first job at $34,000 a year back in 1995, I quickly realized through all my bills and responsibilities that the life I grew up with wasn’t the one I was going to be living out on my own. That changed though over the next decade after losing both my father and mother and receiving inheritance money. From the moment I did, I was off and running and that money buzz was on.

I couldn’t get enough of it and was constantly looking for ways to get more. My father was a gambler and often gambled much of his money in stocks and other fast money-making ventures, of which many never panned out. He liked to go to casinos too, where his drive there was definitely addictive in nature. While gambling in casinos was never one of my main addictions, more of a side one I occasionally did from time to time, spending money loosely on the dumbest of things most definitely was. The biggest one being the bed and breakfast I bought for my last partner, of which I completely lost a number of years afterward.

Nevertheless, after losing the bed and breakfast, I started to see how much money I had thrown away over the years. It was then I’d enter for the first time in life a time period where I wasn’t able to generate income, where I wasn’t able to live lavishly anymore, or buy whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, that is unless I wanted to put myself in debt.

At first, I was angry and resentful about this, especially because it coincided with the onset of all the health issues I still continue to face. Yet, as time went on, my view of money completely changed. I realized how much it had ruled my life. I realized how much it had controlled me. And I realized it had never brought me any true happiness, only temporary, like so many other of my addictions.

In light of that, I haven’t seriously gambled on anything really since I experienced the major financial loss from that bed and breakfast. I have occasionally stopped in a casino once or twice a year though, each of which always being precipitated by the desire to hit the buffet for a meal. This is of course, the reason why I found myself with my partner at the Motor City Casino in Detroit just over a week ago now.

We love the buffet there and it’s probably the best one I’ve personally eaten at on this side of the country. At least twice a year we’ll make the one hour drive there mostly to have a bountiful meal, and from time to time, to also spend an hour on some slot machines with a few dollars in hand. For the serious gambler, especially the addict kind, there’s no amount of controlling the time and money spent once on a casino floor, that is until they have no more money left to gamble. While I’ve never succumbed to that level of gambling, I’m still extremely cautious and never go to a casino alone for this very reason. Some would say I shouldn’t even play a few dollars on slots ever, yet in all honesty, I still once in a blue moon do, only to provide a healthy reminder why I don’t like to gamble in the first place.

Regardless, during those brief moments of watching some bars go round and round, hearing those bells, whistles and other loud noises, my old self did wish I’d win big. Yet, ironically the part that won, was me actually losing that little bit of money I brought with me, if that even makes sense. Because ultimately, winning big would have probably only driven my ego back into a thirst for having more money, something that was most definitely a dead-end. I know my old self after losing would have gone to an ATM and gotten more money to gamble, all in the hopes of trying to win big or at least get my money back. I’m thankful I didn’t do that and instead, appreciated the fun I had for the moments I pulled the levers alongside my partner.

So, as I dined at the buffet afterward, I felt a lot of gratitude that my life wasn’t being driven anymore by gambling or any other quick money-making scheme. And as we drove home from the casino, I was grateful as well with the realization that money doesn’t rule my life now. Instead, what does is my quest to find true happiness and joy from within, to like and love myself unconditionally, and to draw as close to God as I can…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Why Don’t You Want To Be My “Friend”?

Just last week, I discovered I had been abruptly blocked on Facebook by someone for no specific reason, whom I thought considered me a friend. It initially set me down a dark path of negativity and frustration until I realized the issue wasn’t with this person at all, it was with me and that little kid I once was in grammar school who so desperately wanted to make friends, but never got any.

Honestly, sometimes I wish the word “friend” wasn’t used at all for any of those connected to me on Facebook, because I’ve noticed every single time someone unfriends or blocks me, I get really upset. Yes, I know I place way more stock into someone tied to my online social media circles than should be, which is precisely why I finally realized this issue is a much deeper one, one that goes all the way back to my childhood.

You see, I was once a kid who got constantly picked up and just never quite fit in. A kid who spent the majority of his time by himself, head deep in books, and constantly looking over my shoulder to see when the next bully might approach. A kid who typically got looked over during any group activities, especially gym class. And a kid who simply remained invisible to the masses, who was consistently picked last in any game and usually sat alone during lunch in the cafeteria.

I so desperately wanted friends back then and it wasn’t until I chameleonized myself at the age of 17 did I ever start to get any. It took me until 2012 to finally let that chameleon part of me go, but now I find myself mostly alone once again these days. I know that’s the very reason why I place so much stock in things like those tied to me on social media.

Overall, this issue often causes me to be a little too clingy and intense with those I consider to be a friend. It’s definitely a character defect and one of the main things that tend to drive people from my life. But, thanks to a gentle nudge and suggestion from someone I know in recovery, I’m starting to see that maybe the way to changing this is learning to like myself a lot more than I really do right now.

In fact, sadly, I’ve definitely struggled to like myself much as of late. While I may love myself and love the person I’m constantly working on becoming, I may love the things I do to help others, and I may even totally love my constant quest and thirst for God, I honestly don’t like the life I am living right now, with all my health issues, with getting older and looking older, with not being able to hold a job, and well you get the point.

So, this is where my work is right now. Maybe that’s why my Higher Power has me in the place I’m in, where I’m forced to spend more time with myself, because I need to learn how to like myself far more than I do lately. It’s hard though, especially when my body hurts as bad as it does on most days, where the best I can do is take small walks for short periods of time.

Nevertheless, I’m inclined to believe that there is a way to like myself on every level, even in my current state, I’m just struggling to access that within me. I know the solution to this isn’t going to be based on the number of friends I have on social media, or how crowded my social calendar gets, or how much money I earn, or how healthy I am, or how fit I can look, etc. And neither is the solution in trying to figure out why someone doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. Rather, it’s the person I get to see in the mirror every day that I need to like a whole heck of a lot more. I pray that God will help me figure out how to do that, because darn it, I’m worth it…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson