God, May I Please Just Have The “F”, And Not The “WB”?

I very recently was asked by more than one person if I’d be open to a friendship with benefits (FWB) and honestly, I’m quite sick and tired of being asked this, as all I really want is the “F”, and not the “WB”.

FWB’s, open-relationships, and even poly relationships, are types of sexual connections that seem to becoming more and more commonplace these days in various circles of friendships. I know of a number of individuals who are either in them now, have been in them before, or currently looking for them. While it’s not my place to judge any of them, I know they’re not for me anymore.

FWB’s, where one has casual friends who also have sex with them from time to time, open-relationships, where partners regularly have sex with others on the side but often with rules, and poly relationships, where three or more are in a sexual relationship with each other monogamously, are all types of sexual connections I have sampled in my past, where each consistently left me feeling spiritually unfulfilled and totally empty in the long run.

Having been monogamous with my partner for the past seven years doesn’t mean that I haven’t been tempted from time to time to fall back into one of these types of relationships though, because I have. Yet, I haven’t given in to any of that temptation because having sex is honestly the least important thing in my life nowadays.

There was a time in my life though where I sought one sexual partner after another, and participated in these types of sexual connections with regularity, but like so many other addictions I succumbed to, once all the ooo’s and ahh’s were over each instance, I constantly was left feeling spiritually unclean.

Dirty was more like it, where even after taking a shower once the sexual act was over, I still felt unclean. Maybe that’s because in an FWB, I really was only having a friendship with someone’s orifice and vice versa? Maybe that’s because in an open-relationship, I never reached deep intimacy and vulnerability because I was always focused on where and when my next hookup was going to be? And maybe that’s because in a poly relationship, I was always feeling like a third wheel or trying to manipulate one of the others to be with me alone?

Regardless of the reason, I so desperately have wanted friends in my life in years past that I’d allow myself to engage in these types of connections. These days though I just want some really close friends in my life who love me for me and help to enhance my spirituality and connection to God. Yet on no level does that translate anymore into me wanting an FWB, an open-relationship, or a poly relationship.

I simply want some good friends outside of my current relationship, who see the beauty within me, and not because they only find me beautiful on the outside. I simply want some good friends who will be there for me when I’m sad and hurting, and not because they hope I’ll be horny with them from time to time. I simply want some good friends who open their heart to me and find it ok to bare their soul, rather than just looking to bare something else with me.

The bottom line is that sex is not something I want with friends anymore in life. Engaging in that was always an itch I could never fully scratch and I’m not about to go down that path again, only to fall away from God even further.

I’m not exactly sure why I keep being presented with these types of sexual connections. Maybe it’s a test to my sobriety and recovery? Maybe it’s the Universe allowing me to be tempted to see if I stay on the straight and narrow? Or maybe there’s some energy I’m carrying within from my past that’s still drawn to these types of sexual connections?

Whatever the reason, for as long as I keep seeking my Spirit to be in charge of my life and for as long as I keep seeking to be filled by the breath of God, I know the last thing I want or need is any type of FWB, open-relationship, poly relationship, or any friend in general who’s looking at me as a sexual possibility.

So, God, may I please just have the “F”, and not the “FWB”? As I’m seeking more spiritual connection, rather than sexual connection in my life these days, and I know only You can guide me successfully to that…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson