Ugh, I did it again! I lost my temper in the heat of the moment just recently and ended up yelling, screaming, and lecturing my partner like he was a little boy, all because he had lost his set of our house keys. I obviously am seeing this repeating pattern and you know what the sad thing is. My love for my partner is far more important than any lost set of house keys.
Looking back on that night when it happened, I had been having a very challenging day on a number of levels. As they would say in most 12 Step recovery programs, I had been feeling extremely restless, irritable, and discontent with my life that day. So, as I stared at my computer at an error message that made absolutely no sense to me, I suddenly heard my partner yell from the kitchen that he couldn’t find his house keys.
I shrugged it off at first while he continued looking, until I heard him finally give up. After I had no success in finding them either, panic set in. Why I panicked over a lost set of house keys was 100% due to being so restless, irritable, and discontent. That’s when I began to get caught up in the heat of the moment and started shouting at my partner. I even went so low as to call him an idiot, which I have much regret and shame over. Frankly, I was afraid that the keys, which included not only our house keys, but also one of the remotes for our home security system, had been stolen at his job, as he works with recovering addicts.
I know, I know, that seems quite a leap from simply losing a set of house keys, but given how my life has had more downs than ups and more mishaps than achievements in recent months, I quickly assumed the worst. Essentially, I let my fear get the best of me, which caused me to get caught up in the heat of the moment to where I treated my partner unfairly and then some.
I really try to be a good soul on this planet, a selfless one at that, one who does more to help others than himself, even in light of my current unforeseen circumstances with my health, but I’m not perfect and never claim to be. I have my fair share of imperfections to still work through, that’s for sure, and this is definitely one of them, especially seeing I’ve reacted this way several times as of late.
Whenever it happens, I always completely lose sight of my spiritual program, my Higher Power, and everything I’ve worked for in my recovery. I don’t take a breath, or count to five seconds, or do anything to calm myself down either. Instead, I just unleash an unholy hell onto the one I love, all because of how restless, irritable, and discontent it seems I’ve become these days.
Regardless, my partner didn’t find his set of keys after retracing his steps the next day, but he promptly got a locksmith over to our house, where every lock was re-keyed. I had our home security company stop by as well to remove the missing remote and reset the entire system with new programming. When all was said and done and the keys being lost became irrelevant, the shame fully set in of how bad this character defect has become for me.
I once had someone advise me that when I start getting caught up in the heat of the moment with anyone I love, to picture them in a casket while taking a deep breath in. Sadly, I haven’t been successful in doing that as of yet, but imagining it now brings me great despair. Nothing I’ve said in the heat of the moment has ever been out of love or compassion. In fact, it’s been quite the opposite.
Although I immediately asked for forgiveness from my other half as soon as I saw him the next night, the damage was done from my tongue of fire. It’s absolutely a character flaw of mine and one that seems to have reared its ugly head far too many times over the past year as my frustrations with my health continue to mount. But having chronic pain and serious health issues still doesn’t excuse how I occasionally unleash on my partner. Ultimately, I know how I want to be handling it. I know I want to remain calm, rather than get angry, when I feel that heat starting to rise, and I know I want to provide reassurance that we’ll work through whatever the situation is together, rather than resorting to shame or lecturing.
Unfortunately, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment, when fear or anger gets the best of you, especially when life feels like it’s not going your way. But it’s never right to take any of that out of someone you love, even when they make a mistake, which I see OH-SO-CLEARLY each time I succumb to this low vibrational behavior.
I obviously have a lot more work to do on myself when it comes to this character defect and pray that God will help rid me of a behavior that helps no one and instead only hurts those I’m doing my best to love, including myself.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson