Silly Joke #1
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “John, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”John says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really!? Like a newborn baby!?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants.”
Silly Joke #2
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and exasperation. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?””No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. “No! I told you already there’s no one here called Alf. Go away! If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says. His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.” “Then what’s exasperation?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time. “Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.
Silly Joke #3
The other night, I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise,” were my last words.The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated. Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times! Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos! The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, “Midnight…like I promised!” He didn’t even raise an eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one! After a moment, he then replied, “I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.” A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded: “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, ‘Oh, crap,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
Bonus Silly Joke
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” …”Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”His wife then promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
And one more really ridiculous pun just because it’s my type of humor…
“My friend was running with cheese yesterday, but I told him to stop because it was sharp.”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson