Yesterday was my 47th birthday, as well as my 24th completed year of sobriety from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. Honestly, I can’t believe I’m just a few years away from hitting “The Big 5-0”. And to think I’ve been clean and sober for almost two and a half decades now, it simply boggles my mind where all that time went?
At 47, I must admit I find myself struggling to fully accept my body shape, which is far from the tone and sculpted look I once had. Every time I look in the mirror I seem to see a new aging spot or wrinkle now, and dam those love handles! Yes, I know, the outer body is not where the truest beauty comes from. Believe me, I’ve written many articles on the subject. But, I am human being who grew up in a family filled with too much vanity and so the aging process hasn’t been an easy one to accept. While I do feel my heart and soul is far more attractive than they used to be, I still live in a mental world filled with a bunch of superficiality issues, which seem really hard to overcome sometimes. Sadly, I once was a guy who regularly walked into bars or other public venues, solely to get hit on and actually lived off those ego trips to survive. But now as I face the other side of things, where I seem to hardly get noticed for my looks, I realize I need to continue to go spiritually deeper. Which is why I’m grateful that I’ve been working on my spiritual state a lot over the past bunch of years, because ultimately, I believe that’s the most attractive part of a human being overall. I just wish I could instantly erase all those parts of me that still focus on the outside versus the inside, as they tend to prevent me from seeing my truest beauty. Nevertheless, beyond being another year older and another year hopefully wiser, I’m also another year clean and sober as I mentioned already, which, on some level, is pretty darn amazing compared to the guy I used to be.
You see, 24 years ago, I couldn’t go a day without getting boozed up or mind-altered. It was my only solution back then to calm the terrible voices in my head that reminded me quite often of being molested, getting repeatedly verbally disciplined by my parents, feeling not good enough, and always getting picked on. Some say it’s hard to remember their alcoholic and drug addicted days the longer they remain clean and sober. Thank God that’s not the case for me, as I continue to remember it all too well, which honestly is a good thing, because it serves as a great reminder of why I never want to return to that part of my life EVER AGAIN.
Regardless, turning another year older or another year clean and sober may, on the grand scheme of things, not be that big of a deal to others, especially as that number of years grow. I’m inclined to agree, yet even so, at 47 years old and 24 years of sobriety, I feel extremely thankful I’ve made it thus far, solely because of having lived such an incredibly convoluted life up to this point.
So, as I head towards 48 years of age and 25 years of sobriety in 2020, I end this birthday article by stating something positive, which is how I have faith that even in this constantly aging body that no longer fits the image I once worked so hard to keep up, that the best of my life is actually yet to come. And that’s all because I continue to ask God to be at the helm of my life on a daily basis, and with God at the helm, I truly believe I’ll be headed in the best direction I can ever go…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson