A few weeks ago, I decided I could no longer be a punching bag to anyone who was going to hold me to my past addictive self. After writing an article about it with someone who still was, I received a heated set of comments from them, both on my blog and in a personal email, where ultimately, they made the decision to end our connection.
In the end, I opted to not respond to either of their final communications to me, a decision I didn’t take lightly, yet something I know shows how much I’ve spiritually grown over the years. You see, my past self would have definitely responded and tried to argue or defend myself and do whatever I could to salvage the friendship. But, both actions would have originated from my ego and both would have been futile, as when someone is harboring such deep resentments, there’s usually no changing their mind. My Spirit on the other hand showed me it was far healthier to just let them go for now, as maybe that’s the very thing that will help them begin the process of healing from all the anger and resentment they’re still carrying towards me.
Whether this friendship is over for good in this lifetime I don’t know, as I think it totally depends on whether they may one day take a hard look in the mirror as to why they haven’t been able to let the past go and fully forgive, not just with me, but with a number of others as well that they keep holding negativity towards deep within themselves. I often tried to tell them how toxic all that anger and resentment was to their soul, but sadly, I was never successful in doing so.
Regardless, even though I know they don’t believe it, I do own all the pain I caused them and will always own it. But, that doesn’t mean I need to beat myself up or let anyone else do that to me anymore either. It also doesn’t mean I have to be reminded again and again of all my past transgressions. I do believe I deserve full forgiveness and while I will always remember that my sex and love addiction truly hurt this person and many others too, the only thing I learned I can do to rectify it all is to clear my side of the street through an amends and remain living on a far healthier path, both of which I’ve done and have continued to do for over seven years now. Hopefully one day this person may indeed see that.
On some level, I feel I reached a milestone through this experience, because owning everyone else’s negativity, anger, and resentments has been a life pattern since I was a little kid. That’s how I fell into the pattern of becoming a punching bag for others, as it began with me taking on my mother’s misery in life. Anytime things didn’t meet her expectations, she’d unleash her own version of hell onto my sister and I by holding us to things that either weren’t our fault at all or were our fault, but sometime in our past.
The bottom line is that people who are filled with anger and negativity towards anyone else, who carry resentments on a regular basis, are only hurting themselves as they make the world around them their punching bag due to their inner misery. Until they find true forgiveness within and start seeing the world through a set of more unconditionally loving eyes, they will always carry a grudge and a chip on their shoulder, ultimately leaving themselves alone and miserable.
I sincerely pray that one day this person, someone I still love and always will, may allow more of God’s unconditional love into their heart, as I think that when they finally do, they will come to see me and many others in a far more positive Light, one that most likely will end any behavior of making others a punching bag for their own misery…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson