“I’d gladly take any day sober over all the days I was giving in to each of my former addictions.” (Andrew Arthur Dawson)
About a week ago, I posted a very similar quote on my Facebook page and told the world I was really struggling to continue believing this, even though it’s been a widely accepted quote throughout the many rooms of recovery from addiction. But, after much retrospection, especially after reading all of the ensuing friend comments that came from that posting, I realized it’s only my ego that’s been trying to convince me of this, which is the very thing my disease of addiction wants. Why? So, that it can drive me back out there, into the depths of despair, where hopelessness and a futility of life became my constant companions.
While it is true that my life has felt exceptionally difficult this year thus far continuing to navigate the day to day trials of chronic pain, dealing with several close friend’s tragic deaths, being ostracized from my sister’s family due to her husband’s resentments of me, and overall feeling like I’m more invisible than not in this world, the reality is my life is far better than any of the days I was engaged in the pursuance of promiscuous sex and codependent love, or chasing after massive quantities of alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
Waking up in stranger’s beds, constantly feeling the need to shower because I felt so dirty, not having any sense of personality or identity with self because I kept giving my power away to toxic people who didn’t really care about me, losing time in all my states of fog, causing plenty of damage to my mind and body, the fact is through a simple reflection upon each of those years where I lived in any one of former addictions, I can see clearly just how much my present sober days aren’t half as bad as my past addiction-laden ones.
Frankly, there is only one reason why my ego fondly remembers any of my addiction-fueled days. It’s because during each of them, I didn’t care, about anything. I was shut down. My heart was closed, so much so, that I remained constantly numb, which is precisely why my ego would like me to cave in and dive back into an addiction-filled existence. Yet, I know that even though it might feel good initially to not feel all this pain and suffering, in the long run, it will only create more.
So yes, while I may not like my present circumstances of life, I most certainly like them much more than all those days when my life was governed mostly by addictions.
Dear God, I thank you for helping me to remember how dark all my days were when I lived in one addiction after another. I know that at least remaining clean and sober from all of them gives me a fighting chance, more hope, and a much stronger ability to hear You. Please keep me listening to You and not my ego, as I know my present sober days truly are much better than at any of my past addiction ones.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson