Silly Joke #1 (Two alcohol jokes)
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
7 Would-Be Great Warnings On Any Bottles of Booze
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up naked next to someone you don’t know and probably want to keep it that way.
Silly Joke #2
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, “For our anniversary this year you can ask me one question, any question you want to and I will answer it truthfully no matter what!” The husband replies, “Okay, this has been bothering me for a very long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?” The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Finally, she replies remorsefully, “Yes. Yes, he did have a different father than the rest. Her husband was taken aback and slowly responds, “Please, you must tell me who the child’s father was. I must know.” Again she struggles to look into his eyes. She is obviously very distressed now. After a long silence, she says slowly, “You’re his father.”
Silly Joke #3
Some Really Great Church Bulletin Blunders:
“The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.””
“Today’s Opening Hymn: “Angels We Have Heard Get High.””
“The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.”
“Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.”
“Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”
“This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
“The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Annual Hanging of the Greens.”
“The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.”
Bonus Silly Joke
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Lars …Your neighbor from forty miles away….Having a birthday party Friday … Thought you might like to come. About 5… “Great,” says Sam, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you…There’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem… after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.” Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. “More’n’likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.” Once again Lars turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that’s really not a problem,” says Sam. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?” Lars stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us”.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson