It’s Grateful Heart Monday, a time solely reserved for expression of gratitude from my life, which for today is for still having faith in God, even when there seems to not be any reason to keep that faith anymore.
Yes, I know this sounds rather drab and maybe not even sounding very grateful at all for a Grateful Heart Monday entry. But let me assure you, having this type of faith still in light of how I feel and been feeling for as long as I have, especially throughout most of 2020, is most definitely something to be grateful for in my life.
As I write this, (a week ago from when this actually is being posted), I feel every bit of despondency within. As most know, I’ve really struggled to keep going lately with all the health issues and chronic pain I continue to face after so many years of this now. In the past bunch of months, I’ve actually wished for my death more than I’d like to admit, but still remained grateful to those who continue to pray for me to keep going and acknowledged that as my piece of gratitude a few Monday’s ago. Regardless, somehow, I’ve continued to hold onto my faith in God as well, even though there are countless moments now where I feel like I shouldn’t anymore.
To be totally honest, having suffered for as long as I have with a number of painful ailments, no matter what I’ve tried to do to make any of them better, I still cling to my faith in God. Because you see without my faith, a faith that God still has a plan for me that’s far better than a life filled with daily bouts of chronic ailments, I feel there would be no reason for me to keep going.
I wholeheartedly believe this type of faith I’m living every day now is what you would call blind faith. Blind faith is something that transcends all rational thought. It’s when you dig your heels in the ground and hold your trust and belief that God won’t let you down, even when it feels like he already has and has totally abandoned you.
It was easy to have faith when God gave me lots of signs to keep going, when I felt every bit of God’s presence through even the most difficult of days. But now, in constant anguish and tears that typically start each of my days, and without experiencing any of those signs and presences of God for a long time, I STILL look to God anyway to get me through all this, which is exactly what I’ve come to know is blind faith. So, I trudge on by remaining grateful, grateful that I still have my faith in God, even when I can’t seem to even find enough energy to put a smile on my face, like I totally struggled with today.
It’s so hard to going on living like this and I cannot fathom why God wants me to keep suffering like this for as long as I have with no relief, no matter how many attempts I’ve made to ease it. Of course, I know there are plenty of others out there suffering just as much, if not more, but even that doesn’t seem to be of much help anymore in knowing that. The only thing that’s been of help is my blind faith, because it keeps propelling me forward, even on excruciatingly painful days like today, where I found myself angry at everything, including God, and even cursing the day I was born.
I would never wish this life upon anyone, and although I have a partner, as well as food, water, and shelter, each of which I’m grateful for, and although I have a sister who loves me, a few close friends who truly do care about me on levels I probably couldn’t even quantify, and plenty of people praying for me, none of that is what keeps me going anymore.
The only thing that keeps me going now is my blind faith in God, a type of faith that even though I don’t know why I keep on believing, I still do. I cling to this faith that I’ll be delivered from this life of pain-filled hell, and is precisely why I’ve dedicated today’s Grateful Heart Monday to the faith I still have. Because, I’ve arrived at a place in my life now where there seems to be no person, place, or thing that can convince me it’s worth it to keep going, yet my faith in God continues to do just that somehow and for that I’m filled with gratitude.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson