Silly Joke #1
A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear: “Daddy, you don’t have to pay for me. I’m under five…”
Silly Joke #2
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.” The Texan lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The lady from Mississippi continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.” Again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman boasted, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” Yet again, the Texas lady commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” The Texas lady replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.” “Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?” The Texas lady responded, “So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit!” I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”
Silly Joke #3
Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!!!”
Bonus Silly Joke
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.” Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even gratified himself and put it too into the concoction! He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop gratifying yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
