There are a lot of things I’ve written in this blog since its inception, and I do mean a lot, given I’m well in the 3000+ range of personal testimonies shared from my spiritual journey in life. But, there are many days now where I think about quitting this, especially recently with my website experiencing some major hiccups. I haven’t quit though for one reason only because I find it’s the healthiest way to still express myself, even if I may get redundant at times in my subject material. That being said, whether this is redundant in me saying this or not today, my biggest struggle lately is feeling like there isn’t a purpose to my life anymore and that I don’t ultimately matter in this world.
After 25+ years of being in therapy with many different types of counselors, going through a number of 12 Step programs, being a part of several intensive men’s spiritual groups, going away on dozens of self-empowerment retreats, doing regular meditations, affirmations, and prayers, offering gratitude daily, and doing my best to remain healthy, mind, body, and soul through natural healing and helping others, I still find myself questioning whether any of this has done any bit of good. Why? Because I continue to feel like I have no purpose and that my life doesn’t matter. Even worse, I find myself questioning lately whether God even exists, and if God does, why can’t I feel His presence no matter how hard I try to. And at my deepest level of insecurity, all of this leaves me wondering if I died tomorrow, would anyone really even care in the long run or would I easily be forgotten?
While I’m sure I’ve touched the heart and soul of some at some point or another, I question that now more than not. I know I sure do try to make a difference, but, truth be told, there isn’t a day where I don’t still question this. And although I practice gratitude daily, I wake up on most days feeling unhappy and wishing God would bring me home. Frankly, I’m simply exhausted from trying to find my purpose here and feel like I matter. And believe me I have done A LOT to try to find my purpose or create a purpose.
I honestly don’t know how much the chronic pain I’ve felt for as long as I have makes me think this way. I know prior to developing all this pain, I surely didn’t have this low of self-esteem. So, maybe I’m just blocked from seeing the truth? Maybe my chronic pain creates an illusion that I don’t matter when I truly do and maybe it prevents me from fully seeing the purpose of my continued existence? Maybe it also prevents me from really feeling the presence of God as well? I don’t ultimately know the veracity of any of this, but what I do know is that it really does seem to be out of my control to change any of how I feel, given how hard I’ve tried to over the years.
Nevertheless, while today’s words may indeed sound redundant from past writings, just know I shared them today, not just to be fully transparent to the sheer frustration and hopelessness I feel in my life right now, but also to let all those out there who might be feeling similarly know they aren’t alone. Ultimately, I think everyone matters and we all have a purpose here on Earth, but the hardest part in life is to feel that from within, rather than looking for it outside of ourselves, something my low self-esteem lately has done quite a bit of. Regardless, I pray that all of us feeling this way in this world right now may soon find that sunlight of our souls and shine like we are all truly meant to.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Artur Dawson