I’m a member of a Facebook group that deals with all the health symptoms individuals are going through presently on their spiritual journeys. This group helped a lot to know I’m not alone with the health issues I face daily. Recently, I came across a posting on that group where someone posed the question of what level of health was a person living at presently from a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 was optimal and 1 was extremely poor. Sadly, my answer was that I’m living at a 4 and have been for quite some time.
Living at a 5 using this scale when it comes to one’s health, at least in my book, is living at par, which is something I haven’t felt for a very long time. Rather, I’ve been living at a 4 for probably a solid six years now where on most days I feel more upside down than right side up. Living at a 4 is challenging because it often feels like I’m fighting to just keep my head above water.
Handling day-to-day tasks at this level is challenging. There are many days now where I’m struggling just to stand in the shower to wash myself and where my best friends are actually a heating pad and a hand massager. Most don’t understand what living at a 4 is like when it comes to me because from their perspective, it always looks like I’m at a 9 or 10. That’s only because I tend to do my very best to hide all my health issues seeing that when I don’t, it constantly becomes the topic of conversation where I usually receive more advice than compassion and understanding. Don’t get me wrong though, as I know most mean well.
Regardless, living below par every single day is not by choice and it makes my world feel very gray. It could be the sunniest of day, with the most pristine weather possible, yet the world within me feels cloudy, damp, and rainy. I have done my very best to change, but so far, I’ve remained unsuccessful. Contrary to what many have accused me of, which is thinking I haven’t done enough to change my level, I’ve actually explored medicinal care, natural remedies, healing modalities, diet changes, cleaning house from toxic people, 12 Step recovery work, therapy, prayer, meditation, affirmations, gratitude journals, writing in this blog, and more. But none have ever been successful at raising my level of health, which has led me to believe it’s out of my control.
The only way I ever seem to be able to get people to understand what this is like is asking them if they’ve ever had the flu. Most of course say they have, which at that point, I ask them how life would be for them if they had it every day for years and years and still had to go on with all their daily activities. Most at the point instantly understand, but there’s always those who think they know better than I do with my health and continue to offer one piece of advice after another, which only makes my living at a 4 feel even worse.
As I said before, living at a 4 isn’t by choice, which has led to me working quite a bit on my faith and having to trust blindly in God that one day I’ll be a 5 or higher again. I tend to tell myself that God didn’t bring me down this path this far to leave me like this and that alone helps me to keep functioning at a 4. So, one day at a time, I continue to exist below par, yet I’m still alive and kicking, doing my best to keep the faith that one day I’ll be at par or better…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson