There are so many times I feel like people can’t and just won’t stop focusing on their judgments of me, seeing me more in a bad light, than a good one, even when I’m doing my best these days to place others first before myself. Even when I do nine things out of ten to the best of any human potential, but fail at one of them, it seems as if that one failure gets focused upon with glaring energy more so than any of the other nine good things. I have often joked lately that even if I somehow could walk on water like Christ once did, that plenty would still find fault with me somehow.
I’ve noticed this pattern quite a bit in recent years the harder I’ve worked on my spiritual self. I seem to get more criticism than praise the harder I work, compared to how it used to be when I didn’t care about my spiritual condition at all. Then, I had plenty who liked to gossip with me and judge with me and act out in addiction with me. But that isn’t who I am anymore, and I work so very hard to not be that way. Even so, my flaws continue to be the main focus with too many, so I’ve come to accept that maybe my work isn’t in trying to get any of them to see I’ve changed, it’s in accepting that God has already seen that change in me and that’s ALL that matters.
Why some continue to only see my mistakes and not the heart I have, I don’t know. What I do know is that those who keep on judging me says a lot more about them than it does me. Regardless, I’m distancing myself from those people in my life now who can’t seem to find positive things to say about me and like to cite out my flaws and imperfections instead. Ultimately, I don’t want or need people like that in my life who do so, as that only reminds me of my alcoholic parents who disapproved first and praised second, a pattern that only ever led to me never feeling good enough in life and one where I always felt like I had to try harder.
I AM good enough and I AM a good person, just as I am. I do my best to love everyone with the unconditional love of Christ and I accept everyone with all their flaws and imperfections, always looking to see the good in everyone I meet. God sees that and has given me a clean slate to work with, one I feel He gives me EVERY, SINGLE, day. I don’t believe He holds me to my past failures, or even my present ones, and doesn’t dwell on when I make mistakes either. Only human beings do that, usually because of their own inner inadequacies.
Anyone who chooses to focus more on my flaws and imperfections, instead of seeing the good in me and how far I’ve come in my 26+ years of sobriety from alcohol and drug addiction and the almost 10 years of sobriety I have from sex and love addiction, isn’t someone I want or need in my life. I know there is nothing I will ever be able to do to change their opinion of me, as only God can do that within them, as He has done within me. It’s time for me to finally see myself in the same light that God does, with unconditional love, and to stop worrying about all those who continue to see me as anything else…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
