Sometimes I really think that the darkness of this world, or maybe even beyond this world, is always trying to find ways to snuff the light out in any way it can from those doing their best to bring light to others. I feel like I experienced this firsthand during one of my 12 Step presentations recently at a residential housing program for recovering alcoholics and addicts where my only purpose was to bring light to those there.
Whenever I do a 12 Step recovery lead, it’s typically for an hour, where I begin with my journey talking about the dysfunctional childhood I had with addicted parents. I next move on to discussing how I fell into addiction with alcohol and drugs. I move on from there talking about the many addictions I fell into after I found sobriety from them. And finally, I conclude by sharing the life of recovery I’ve been doing my best to live over the past decade. I was close to the end of one of these leads recently at one of the addiction programs I volunteer at here in Toledo, Ohio, when suddenly a voice cried out in the room in front of me this…
“I don’t like you man! You’re full of ego and arrogance. I don’t like you one bit! I think you’re full of sh$$!!!”
I’ve probably shared my personal testimony of addiction to recovery easily over 1000 times now and never once have had any outburst like that…ever. Truly, I was shocked, taken aback, and really didn’t know what to say.
Whenever I do 12 Step leads nowadays, it’s never about ego or arrogance. In fact, it’s the exact opposite, where I level any pride and ego and talk about how much I had to lose to gain my heart back and a more selfless nature. Sharing about the crazy upbringing I had with addiction, getting both molested and bullied along the way, watching both of my parents die by terrible tragedies of their own making, then losing most of the money they left me due to my selfish and addictive nature, I would never classify what I share in my leads as coming from ego or arrogance.
Thankfully, many of the 30-something people who remained after that outburst told me afterwards, they felt nothing of the sort and offered me reassurance of how much it helped them. But, by that point, I was deep in my head. Why? Because, I used to be a very prideful, arrogant, and egotistical individual, who couldn’t walk in a room because I lived with such a fat head, always thinking I was better than most. I tend to think the opposite these days, and find myself more than not, putting myself down, struggling to love myself unconditionally, mostly because I don’t have employment and continue to battle so many health issues.
Nevertheless, after this man’s outburst, I really did question myself, wondering why I was continuing to do this work, because being on the receiving end of something like that frankly sucked. Of course, my ego wanted to engage before that man had fully left the room. But all I said was I’m sorry he felt that way and that my story was truly one coming from humility. While I may battle from time to time with ego thinking I should be better off than I am, if there’s one thing I can say for sure about my 12 Step leads is that it most assuredly is a humbling, pride-leveling, action for me each time I stand in front of a group of strangers, sharing about how much I “f$$ked my life up” due to my seriously addictive nature.
In the end I became thankful for this man’s outburst, because I learned later that much of the PTSD I’ve worked through was the very same PTSD this individual continues to battle, falling into drug addiction to cope. I know that place oh so very well, and pray this man finds healing one day from it all in the 12 Steps and with a Higher Power’s help.
As for all the darkness that’s out there, you can say what you want about me, but truly, I am going to keep doing my 12 Step leads, as I do them from my heart and for God, and I know it’s helping others, even if you find one person to throw shade at me, trying to convince me otherwise…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
