It is said that resentment is the number one offender that leads many sober people to a relapse of their addiction, which is why I work diligently to remove any within me, and to seek the forgiveness of others if I discover I’ve harmed them somehow. So, when I learned not too long ago that a person I hadn’t spent time with for years didn’t want to come have a coffee with a mutual friend and I over potential tension, I made an attempt to connect with them to see if I had harmed them at some point in the past. Because I was totally unaware of anything I may have done to lead to such tension within them. When I finally got a response from them via text as to what the tension was all about, it wasn’t anything I had done at all. Rather, it was their opinion of me, and it was described in three words.
Annoying. Pretentious. Judgmental.
I was at dinner with a friend of mine when this text came through. And sadly, I let it ruin the rest of my meal because I continue to struggle owning what other people think of me, no matter how hard I try not to. I have worked so very hard to be a selfless person in my life and to erase the selfish nature of my past. I don’t think of myself as better than anyone else. I do my best to accept everyone as they are. And I try to keep my childlike sense of humor alive to keep going in a world I often feel less than in, especially when I find myself owning other’s negative opinions of me.
My only desire ever with this individual was to make amends if I had harmed them somehow, but ironically, one of the things I received in return from them was the very thing they were accusing me of being. Judgmental. But it shouldn’t matter what they thought of me. Their approval shouldn’t matter one bit. Except I can’t seem to shake this pattern of me owning what others think of me. So, I keep writing about it. I keep dealing with it in therapy. I keep trying to be a good person. Yet, I keep allowing myself to get struck down by others’ negative opinions of me again and again.
This individual like so many others who’ve had negative opinions of me in recent years have no idea the humility I’ve put myself through by being as transparent as I am through my writing and speaking on the life I’ve had. They don’t see the world I live in, one where I do my best to help so many, just to try to make a difference. But it shouldn’t matter they don’t see this. What should matter is what I will declare once more…
I AM A GOOD PERSON!
I AM A BEAUTIFUL SOUL!
AND I DO MATTER IN THIS WORLD!
I spent an entire childhood and most of my adulthood feeling completely the opposite of those statements. When I finally got right with myself and God and found true recovery from my toxic past, I began to find myself in the line of fire from so many who felt the opposite of those positive statements when they thought of me. And the more I listen to them, the more I find myself thinking about checking out like my parents did. Yet, I press on. I fight to live. And choose to end this by saying to this individual…
I love you and forgive you for your judgments of me. While you may not choose to see the beauty of my soul and all that I do every day to contribute to the love of this world, rather than take from it like I used to, all that matters is that God sees it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that…especially when the world around tries to tell me otherwise…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
