Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday entry, where gratitude remains the sole focus on my writing, which for today is for going through all the pains, trials, and tribulations of my life the past ten years medication free.
For those who may not know this, I’m not against medication, I just choose not to use it anymore to cope with the general pains, trials, and tribulations of my life, as in the past, I used medications to cope with life and keep my numb. The result was the shutting down of my heart and generally not caring much about anything.
The last round of medications I was prescribed back in 2011 included Effexor, Ativan, Seroquel, and Gabapentin. All of it eventually led me to attempt suicide because I had become so numb inside to life itself. I vowed to myself in the spring of 2012 to start going through my life medication free unless an emergency occurred. I wanted to experience more of life on life’s terms. It’s been a hard path to undertake, especially on the many extremely pain-riddled days I’ve had and the countless days I’ve felt quite down.
Believe me there are plenty of moments where I think like many probably do, that I just want to take some type of medication to make my pain go away. Given I have an addict personality that doesn’t want to feel pain, it’s even more of a reason why I have chosen for years now not to medicate.
Last year when I had COVID for 24 straight days, I endured the worst of headaches I’ve ever felt in my entire life for about seven straight days, but I didn’t attempt to even take a Tylenol, Aleve, Advil, or anything of the sort. I just sat through it and that wasn’t because I was choosing to be a martyr. I chose that route because I didn’t want to allow my ego to convince me all over again that the only solution in life to cope with pain is through some type of pill.
There once was a time one would find me in one doctor’s office after another, day after day, week after week, month after month, seeking out medications to fix what I felt to be broken within me. My ego had convinced me that the only answer to solve all my suffering was to medicate. Sometimes I even think much of the hypochondria I’ve dealt with is simply my ego just trying to get me to go back to medicating all over again.
Regardless, it’s no small feat that I’ve gone through an incredible amount of stuff over the past decade and haven’t popped a single pill in my mouth, not once. How many days I’ve wanted to do so for quick relief is probably countless. But I know myself better than anyone else does, and the addict in me always wants to go back down that path all over again. The addict in me wants the only solution in life to be a pill to make all my pain go away. Why? Because the addict likes remaining numb to life itself.
I’m continuing to choose day after day to not follow the medication path because I want to remain living in reality, feeling what I need to feel, dealing with what I need to deal with, and healing in God’s time. I’m not saying I’ll never be on medication again and I’m also not saying medication is bad either. What I am saying is that I’m grateful to have gone this long without it when I couldn’t go a day without it just over a decade ago and I give all that credit to to remaining on this path thus far to my faith that God is the one who is guiding me through it all…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
