Recently, I returned to my alma mater, Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT), for my 30th alumni reunion of my fraternity, Phi Kappa Psi. In a few days I’ll be sharing my gratitude from that, but today I wanted to reflect on something I saw on campus while there, which was a proud mother and father walking along with their son, who was beaming from their praise.
I’ve often wished I had parents like that. Parents who looked at their son in that way more than not. When I first got dropped off at college at the beginning of my freshman year, I clearly remember my mother being the only one there. My father had walked out a few months prior, just before my high school graduation. They were amid a very long and drawn-out divorce process that would go on for several more years. Reflecting on this 30 years later after seeing the image of those parents glowing over their son, and their son who will probably always remember that moment with fond memories of his parents love for him, a wave of sadness overcame me and I began to cry.
Many of the people in 12 Step recovery have shared experiences like this. Quite a number of them fell into their addictions because they were raised in families were unconditional love was rarely, if ever, present. Many often struggle to recollect moments were either of their parents ever beamed over them. Rather, their memories are more of all the times they were feeling alone, unloved, abandoned, and seeking something to fill that pit of despair.
That pit of despair is what I felt when I saw that boy with his parents. A pit that may always be there on some level any time I see parents doting over their kids. I try to make up for that pit today by telling myself how proud I am of how far I’ve come in life and how many achievements I’ve made. I also do my best now to be a parental figure to those I help in the recovery realm, letting them know how proud of them I am as well with the work they do to change their lives for the better. Addicts tend to have a very difficult time feeling like they even matter in this world and overcoming that pit can take a long time, something that I still battle with from time to time to this very day, especially when I see parental figures showing their kid so much unconditional love.
While I was so proud of those parents and happy for their son, it truly was a bittersweet moment for me. In all honestly, I never walked for my graduation from RIT because I didn’t think my parents would show up together for the sake of me going through a special day, so I bypassed it altogether having my diploma mailed to me. But, there are still days that I do miss my mother and father, just not the mother and father that died tragically from their own additions and mental health issues. The parents I miss in those moments when I see loving parents with their kids comes from a time far earlier in my life, far before all the family drama unfolded, and far before I was ever thrusted into any courtroom battle over family finances and the like. It took me working my 12 Step recovery for years before any of those happy memories returned, all because I had held onto anger and resentment over my parents during my addiction years, as that was far easier to protect my hurting heart.
So, when I see proud and loving parents these days with their children like I did at RIT during my 30th alumni reunion, I can thank my 12 Step recovery work for helping me to remember something as simple as me playing a game of miniature golf when I was in single digits, where I just sunk a hole in one, and my parents cheered for me, beaming from ear to ear.
It’s those moments that have become precious and dear to my heart thanks to my sober and recovering life, moments I can choose to remember at any point I now see those proud parents beaming over their children, something I know that deep down below all my parents sickness was always there…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
