There are many things I believe that can keep a relationship going for a period of time, but to last a lifetime I believe there’s only one, and that one is one which has been dividing my partner Chris and I quite a bit in recent years.
Many people begin relationships based upon physical attraction and physical compatibility. They go out on a date or two, feel that pull of pheromones and chemistry, and have sex because of it, falling into that pattern of trying to figure it all out after that. Some never even make it past the first date because of it. The longevity of relationships that start out this way usually isn’t for any great length of time, especially when the differences between them start showing up shortly thereafter and there’s nothing solid to hold them together. Many of them will end up breaking up or choosing to leave their monogamy behind to keep it going.
Other people begin relationships based upon emotional and mental compatibility. They find things in common and feel good that there’s someone just like them. They also share in empathy with each other, offering care and concern early on with all the pains and ills of life that befall them, that is until some irritation, some strong difference of opinion shows up. That’s when anger arises, as well as a lack of compassion and understanding. And once those negative traits show up, it’s not too long after that the couple begins to fall apart.
But for those who connect on a spiritual level, who truly believe in something Greater than themselves has guided them together, who seek to put that Higher Power ahead of themselves and their relationship, often has been the very glue I’ve seen hold couples together monogamously for decades upon decades. And no, I’m not talking about a religious practice holding them together, it’s far more of a spiritual one.
My Higher Power is God, and what I want the most in my life is to have a relationship be guided by God, on every level. It’s why I start every morning with the 7th Step prayer from 12 Step recovery. And it’s why I ask God to show me empathy in every situation, even when my ego tries to say otherwise. My partner on the other hand is quite headstrong and often lives out of his thinking, making most decisions based upon what the best of his thinking can offer. That path has failed me time and time again when I’ve rested upon my best thinking, as my best thinking is usually no more than my ego making all the decisions.
While I believe everyone’s spiritual path to their Higher Power is a uniquely different expression from one another, it’s in the seeking of it that has kept me going monogamously with Chris for as long as I’ve been with him now. But I’m weary because I often feel my conflicts with Chris arise out of him coming at our differences with his thinking while I am doing my best to see it from my Spirit. My Spirit is what gives me empathy in those situations, not my thinking. And my seeking God daily is what helps me to see where I’m in the wrong, where I need to humble myself, and ask for forgiveness, especially when I’ve hurt Chris. But when one lives out of their thinking more than their Spirit, it’s hard to find any empathy or compassion in any conflict.
The couples I’ve talked with over the years who’ve lasted multiple decades monogamously together have always had this one commonality amongst them, that being a Higher Power guiding them both, together and separately. But without both doing this, without seeking something Greater, generally the ego takes over and people resort to seeking their own needs, wants, and desires, more than anything else. And when this happens, most relationships will fail, end up with constant arguing, resort to cheating, or lead to changing their status to an open relationship where they are with more than one sexual partner.
I love my partner, without a shadow of a doubt, and I definitely don’t want our relationship to fail, nor do I ever want to resort to cheating or be in an open relationship either. But to overcome all the conflicts we’ve been having for a number of years now, I know it’s going to take the both of us seeking God, together and separately, every, single, day, in our unique spiritual expressions, as doing so leads to finding empathy and unconditional love, no matter what our conflicts may ever be…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
