Ok, so I’m about to be deadly honest about a strange part of myself with something that I’m doing lately, that you may find yourself wondering, why the heck is he telling me this. There is a reason, but first let me state what that weird truth is.
Late at night now, typically after midnight, I have been listening to a form of music called “Micro House” or “Minimalistic House” where I dance erotically to in front of a large mirror in my living room. I learned long ago how to move my body quite well to this type of music where it often looks like I’m being sensual and making love to myself as I do.
Now, as to the why I’m telling you this. Over the past few months, I have felt completely unloved and unattractive, mostly because of the demise of a 10-year relationship with someone who doesn’t look at me anymore like he once did and hasn’t for a long time. What I have always found so special in every committed relationship I’ve been in is how that “in love” feeling gets shared between two souls and often becomes the very thing to turn any bad day into a good one instantly. I haven’t seen that from the man I’ve spent well over a decade with and it’s caused me to struggle immensely with loving myself. And all of this has led to my heart feeling completely broken on almost every single day, where that little boy within me, that inner child, feels just as broken because of it. So, I am doing things regularly now to repair my broken heart and cultivating a greater love for myself in the absence of it not being freely given to me anymore where one of those is essentially making love to myself in front of the mirror using my own unique form of dance expression.
I’m a good dancer and always was back in the day, even winning a few contests here and there somewhere along the way. The dance form I loved to do the most back then was to stand up on those high boxes and platforms in clubs and raves late into those weekend nights and well into the wee hours of the morning, where I’d listen to a type of house music that immediately moved me into a state of mind and body that always felt so incredibly blissful and was never brought on by any alcohol or drugs. It was always something that truly helped me to love myself a little more in a life where I was typically feeling unloved. That’s why I’m choosing now to return to that state, as I re-learn how to find my own unique expression of love all over again in this world by going back to an art I mastered long ago, one that absolutely cultivated greater self-love.
While I may be 50, you wouldn’t know that or even feel that if you somehow could be invisible and watch me do this unique form of self-love late at night. I am a very sensual person, always was and always will be, and while much of that came from having many lovers throughout much of my adult life, I’m now transmuting that energy into a much healthier expression, one that I can give to myself. And how I know this is actually helping me is precisely in how I feel after doing it, because each time I have, not only has it really increased my endorphins, but it’s also led to me smiling far more and my mood elevating incredibly as well.
I’m thankful I can move my body in this way still and find myself actually looking forward to going to a club again someday soon as my overall health continues to improve. Because no matter what my age, I know the spirit within me is pretty damn amazing and has his own unique form of self-love to express, including one he’s currently doing late into the wee hours of the night, as he dances erotically to himself, and in turn, shines a lot brighter within.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
