It’s no secret anymore that my 10-year relationship with Chris that brought me to Toledo is now at its end. The next chapter between us is still being written and one that has been painfully uncomfortable for me on every level, with tons of tears being shed on most days, often even in public, even at Starbucks where I spend much of them drowning my sorrows in an extra-large vanilla cold foam mocha cold brew.
Being that my heart is usually more open than not, and my emotions worn more on my sleeve than hidden, I’ve allowed myself to remain raw no matter where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. I’ve even posted a picture or two on social media with exactly how I’ve been feeling, even if it’s not painted me in the best light, because I’d rather be more real than fake when it comes to this type of thing. Recently, when I posted one of those, I was extremely appreciative of the outpouring of support I received from those who have gone through similar or who simply just wanted me to know they cared, all except one individual who said, ”Move on”.
While I knew those words said a lot more about the character of the individual who wrote them than they did of me, they still stung. Ending a 10-year relationship hasn’t been easy, especially when you truly were in love throughout it all. Like any death, leaving a relationship is no different in that one will go through each of those grieving stages. The only problem in my case is that I can’t appropriately grieve given I’m still living with Chris because I don’t have the financial means to do what I did last time my last long-term relationship ended, which was to migrate my way to an entirely new state and area for me to fully heal my heart and start again.
When I came to Toledo eight years ago, it was under that pretense that I would spend my life with Chris. It was also a known factor that I would be financially dependent on him more than not, which he accepted given the love he said he had for me. I built a life here with him ever since and every single memory and every single thing both in this house and in this area was built surrounding my life with him. Point blank, I was only here in Toledo for him. Now, I don’t know how to heal my broken heart living in the same household nor do I know how to continue living in a city that reminds me of him wherever I go. I feel trapped, shut down, and stuck on so many levels and pray to God daily for help and guidance to get out of here.
In light of my grieving dilemma, having someone say something so impersonal and so hurtful during this time of incredible grief hit my heart immensely, making it feel even worse. It would have been no different receiving those same words after my father had committed suicide or my mother had drunkenly fallen down the stairs to her death. Going through grief, no matter what it’s about, is a spiritual healing journey in itself, and one that often requires a tremendous amount of unconditional love and support both from ourselves and from others to make it through. Why this individual said such painful words to me when I most needed that type of love and support I don’t know.
Maybe the individual has never been loved by anyone to understand what this feels like? Maybe they were loved for as long as I was or longer and it ended painfully and they’re still angry? Or maybe they are just a broken individual who for whatever their reason fulfilled that saying, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Honestly, whatever their reason doesn’t matter because it wasn’t truly about me.
The fact is, I didn’t put a picture of me with a solemn facial expression because I needed likes or increased social media status. I simply wanted people to know how bad I’ve been hurting and still am. Life right now feels like it’s never going to be good again and I don’t know how it can be so long as I remain living with someone I will always love but can’t in the way I once did and who doesn’t look at me anymore in the way they once did.
What I know I need right now beyond a path that brings me far away from Toledo, Ohio is simply one thing and that’s unconditional love and support and nothing more. And I pray that if you have anything to say that doesn’t come from that deep place of heart and soul, then please, I only ask you keep it to yourself…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
